It's a weird sensation to have, a false sense of energy and total exhaustion at the same time. I am also confused and content, by both the way my body feels and the way my mind feels. Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.
And then a friend posted this:
"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but I still do something. I will not refuse to do something I can do." - Helen Keller
And that says it all. I get frustrated with the conflicts between my brain and my body, they're always competing to be heard, to be master. Then the Lord speaks to my heart...and I know. He gives me wisdom just for asking...and rest.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
Chemo drains my energy but the steroids they give me with it gives me a boost that makes me feel jittery and "high". Sleep is hard to come by but it's absolutely necessary. Two days after chemo (tomorrow) I'll crash. It feels like I spend the next few days recovering.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I'm learning how to pay attention to my body even better than before. And I thought I was a good listener before! I'm learning to be wise in all things, seek God's will for me in this, pray. So many prayers...I can't form the words sometimes but he knows the prayers of my heart. I'm learning to take the rest he offers. I'm learning to ask for help...and then let go. I'm learning...and healing.
I never expected Cancer to be my teacher.
Or me, the reluctant pupil. Resistant. Rebellious. Resigned. Reformed. Rested.