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Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Rearview mirror

One year ago today, I went in for a life-changing, life-saving surgery to remove the cancer invading my body. I am still sorting through the long-lasting effects, even now as I'm preparing for another surgery to rebuild what was destroyed.

Not long after my double mastectomy last year, I had a doctor tell me "I know this is hard right now, but a year from now you'll look back and see that this is all behind you." The timing was perfect. It was just what I needed to hear then to carry me through the months to come. I looked forward to this day, looking in my rearview mirror to see that cancer was far behind me...only it's not.

I'll be honest (because what's the point of lying?) I'm struggling lately. When I stopped chemo last November, I was hopeful to enjoy and celebrate the holidays with my family. They too have been through so much. But it flew by with more doctor appointments and catching up on everything that had been put on hold. Everything but them. I was hopeful for a family getaway to rest and recuperate, to spend time together, to celebrate the end of the hardest days of my life (their lives too), but that has been put on hold too. We went from one hardship right into another. My inlaws both are fighting cancer right now. Both were diagnosed just as I finished treatment. My mother-in-law is close to her Homecoming. Soon she will be face to face with Jesus. How pathetic that I'm a little jealous. No more suffering. It's so not fair! No more sickness and pain. I hate cancer. I'm so happy for her. She will be missed but she will be remembered and loved always.

I said I was struggling. That may be an understatement. I need your prayers, my friends. I should be celebrating today but instead I'm in tears. This dark cloud that has moved in again is not welcome here but I'm helpless to change it. I pray and I know God hears my prayers. I just wish I could hear his response...

Some days it's a lot easier to choose joy. I *want* to choose joy! I want off this stupid rollercoaster of emotions and hardship. I have much to be thankful for. I also have much that weighs heavily on my heart. God tells us (repeatedly) to be strong and courageous. He also tells us not to be anxious. I feel weak and afraid, worried, disobedient. I feel like I've failed.

I planned to have a party next weekend to celebrate my year of being cancer free. As much as I want to do that, I'm not sure it's a *need* that God is providing for. I go in for reconstructive surgery at the end of this month and will not be able to work for a couple weeks. I had planned accordingly with my schedule at my art studio, scheduled extra classes and events to help cover the weeks I won't be working. I'm starting to wonder if that too is a *want* rather than a need. Business is so slow...I truly don't know how I'll be able to keep my doors open if I go through with my surgery. Please pray. God is so confusing sometimes yet I know he loves me. I just don't understand what he wants me to do next. Who am I to doubt his plans when I *know* they are good? Who am I to question God?

How do you climb out of a dark pit of despair when so much is out of your control??

Friday, May 5, 2017

One year

One year ago today, I sat in the doctor's office with a doctor I'd only met because my regular doctor was unavailable. I sat there with Charlie, waiting to hear the results of my biopsy. The doctor walked in wearing stilettos and I remember thinking how impractical those shoes must be, especially for a doctor. As she started going over my results, her vocabulary made me cringe...trash mouth...I wanted to hand her a bar of soap...but cancer. I have cancer? I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly through all the profanities. Cancer. I wanted to tell her to shut up. Stop saying those words. Stop being unprofessional. Stop talking. Just stop.

I had planned an open studio for that afternoon. Charlie encouraged me to cancel it and go home. I insisted that I needed to be busy. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to think about what the doctor said. I didn't want to have cancer. I wanted to throw up. I needed to scream. I went to paint. No one showed up. I was alone anyway. I painted and I prayed. I covered my hands in paint and smeared it on my canvas. I was scared.

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

I was not alone. God was with me then and he is with me now. It's been one year since my world was turned upside-down and I am well. I am still choosing JOY. Thanks be to God❤

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

First check

It's been awhile since I've shared much of anything. There are many reasons for that, none of them I feel necessary to explain, but there is a bit of an update.

Yesterday was my first post-chemo checkup with my oncologist. When I got there, I sat in the parking lot on the verge of tears, feeling like I might throw up. This time was so different...not there for treatment...not there with someone else. Feeling very alone...but determined. We discussed what the last 3.5 months have been like for me, what to do next. She did her sales pitch for tamoxifen again, as I expected, but I'm holding my ground. I have no intention of doing it. I asked for labs again, checking my vitamin D and more, liver function, and hormone levels. We talked about reconstructive surgery too. I'll have another CTC test next month when I see my integrative oncologist. (For those that don't know, the Circulating Tumor Cells test I had in January came back showing 0...ZERO...cancer cells in my body. Praise the Lord!! I've been way out of whack on my diet the last few weeks, but it feels good to be getting back on track again. I want to keep that number at zero! I'm adjusting my supplements too since my body's needs have changed.

I'm exercising 4+ days a week now, and loving it, though in shorter spells on some days since I'm finding myself exhausted and needing more rest. (This daylight savings has been rough!) I'm looking forward to the sunshine though! Did you hear I went skiing?? First time in 19 years, only one run, but I did it. As a result, I'm setting more goals like this for this year.

God has been working on my heart too. Things that previously would have lingered (festered) and brought me down are now put into (proper) perspective. I recently had an...encounter...with a "friend" that left me reeling but then, after much prayer over the matter, freedom. The hurt was real and painful, but I don't have to stay in that place. Healing is happening...

I'm spending several days a week in my studio doing what I love and sharing it with whomever shows up. God is at work there too, bringing in the people HE wants there and that's all I want. I love getting messages from customers telling me how my classes boosted their confidence or helped them to relax. The therapeutic element is evident in many ways and I'm thankful that he's using me to bless others.

If you've read this far, I'm asking that you join me in prayer. In the last 3 months, we've had 3 family members diagnosed with cancer. It's hitting close to home and a little too soon for me but we don't get to choose, do we? Please pray for their healing, for wisdom for both patients and doctors, and for them each to be surrounded by the loving support they're sure to need in the months to come. Thank you!

The following pictures were taken 1 month apart: 

Today (mid March) 


Mid February
Mid January
Mid December
It's nice to have hair again! Lol 😂

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

+2mos

It's been 2 months since my last chemo infusion. I am asked all the time how I'm feeling. I am well. I mean that. I feel good.
Things that have returned or have been restored: my appetite (woohoo!), my sense of taste, my energy (mostly), my hair (everywhere), my strength, my life, and joy. Joy, like I've never known it before.  

It's good to recognize that joy though. Especially since we've experienced so much non-joy recently. Another family member battling cancer, a broken car x2, a broken dryer, a broken water heater. All this in the last few weeks. Good grief! But God is good and we know it will all be okay.

After spending most of last year in one doctor's office after another, I'm so thankful to have a bit of "normal" back in my schedule. I'm more selective on how and where I spend my time and trying not to stretch myself too thin. My integrative oncologist has helped me lay out a plan for this healing year, both what I put in my body (food, environmental, etc) and what I put out (exercise, therapies, etc). I'm already noticing the healing to my brain. Bye bye, chemo brain! I feel like I'm dancing my way through the week-  Monday = ballroom dancing lessons, Tuesdays & Thursdays  = aqua zumba class, some Fridays we dance again to practice what we learned on Monday. Other Fridays, Nathan and I are walking for miles. This Friday, I just might be found on the mountain for the first time in 19 years. Pray for me! 😂

I'm still homeschooling my boys but this past year has pushed them into further independence. That's not a bad thing though and I'm glad to be back on track with them both.

I'm spending more and more time in my art studio. The transition from being a mobile operation to having a permanent location has taken some adjustment but I have hope that it will turn out well. Don't get me wrong - I love it. It's just different than what I've been doing and will take some getting used to. (Eventually it will bring in a profit, right? Lol)  I absolutely love being able to share this venture with others, what has been so healing for me. I've started reserving a seat or two from each class to gift to someone "just because" and that is good for me too.

I have a blood test to go do this week. I've been putting it off because of the cost but I really can't afford not to do it. $700+ to check my blood for circulating tumor cells. This first time will be a baseline test.  I'll have to do it again in the spring. I wish my insurance covered it. (The good news is that last week we finally got officially documentation that I have been approved for coverage through a special program.) So many of you have generously supported our family this past year and we sincerely thank you all. If you have it on your heart to help with this upcoming expense, please contact us or visit our donation page here. Each and every dollar makes a huge difference, no matter if it's $5 or $500.

I'm praying blessings and joy over each of you that reads this today 💜 Go hug a loved one...a few seconds longer than normal. Smile at someone you don't know. Do the unexpected just because you can. Say "I love you" often. Call a friend and catch up. Drop by and visit someone you've been meaning to connect with. Count your blessings.

1.23.2017

1.23.2017 - More time painting on the wall today makes me very happy 😊 Can't wait to finish it so I can share!

1.22.2017

1.22.2017 - BE JOYFUL! I don't know how many days I have. Neither do you! So why waste time grumbling and complaining? We are given good gifts every day! Praise God for each one.

From today's Sunday school teaching:
"And I commend joy, for man has nothing better under the sun but to eat and drink and be joyful, for this will go with him in his toil through the days of his life that God has given him under the sun."
Ecclesiastes 8:15
Solomon's odd exhortation to enjoy life seems out of place because "the world is ungrateful," as Martin Luther put it, "always looking elsewhere and becoming bored with the things that are present, no matter how good they are."
Do not underestimate your daily bread and drink. Do not belittle your weekly work. Thank God for such gifts.
[Ecclesiastes, Douglas Sean O'Donnell]

1.21.2017

1.21.2017 - I spent most of today in my art studio, one of my favorite places to be lately. After a lovely tea and painting party, I started working on a secret project.  It makes me smile just thinking about it. Music blasting, paintbrush in hand, singing my heart out. Yep. Good day. And I got to wrap it up with my JAF family 💜 God is good.