Nothing new

What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 1:9

Alternating between the illusions of both time standing still and speeding by, I'm learning to dance without really hearing the music. I'm learning to follow His lead, watch for His signal, wait for His voice.

There is nothing new to report. My silence comes from the quiet place where I find refuge under His protective wings. I'm celebrating this season, the hills and valleys, with my friends and family. Some days are brimming with activity. Others insist upon rest.

And yet He whispers my name, beckons...

I had another doctor appointment yesterday that was just part of a regular checkup. "You look great!", says my doctor. "If I didn't have your chart in front of me, I'd never guess you have cancer." Yes. If it wasn't for the pain I'm constantly pushing back, I would think the same thing. My face practices hiding the wincing like a pro. Maybe I should take up acting. I feel like a liar. I'm sorry...

I go in for more lab work tomorrow. My poor vein is building up scar tissue from using the same arm over and over again.  I will see my oncologist again in January. Right now, things look good on paper. We're praying that true healing is happening.

Sometimes an idea forms and I don't know what to do with it, so I pray and consider it from all angles. Then a friend comes along and basically suggests the very same thing, confirming it was worth my time to ponder. When a second friend gives encouragement that echoes that affirmation, it's clearly time for action.

Last month, a friend asked if she could read scripture and pray with me. Not long after, another friend asked if I have prayer warriors committed to lifting me up daily. I know that I do and I am thankful for that. Then she encouraged me to meet regularly with them. Friends, I crave this fellowship with other women, with like-minded believers, but it's been missing in my life for years and now He's calling me out.

Lord, teach me to be like Abraham, Samuel, and Jacob..."Here I am!" And set my feet unto action.

Beginning in January, I will be hosting an informal time of scripture reading and prayer. A weekly "come as you are" hour or so, even if that means pajamas and bedhead. That will likely be me. If you would be interested in joining me, please let me know. It will be at 10 am but I'm not sure which day of the week yet. I'll see who's interested first and when works for most.

Pictured: I finally gave in and applied for a disabled person parking permit. I'm not sure why I waited so long but I'm thankful I have it now.

Likely

I saw my integrative oncologist today. She ordered labs yesterday. With the pain I'm in again, she was concerned we weren't getting the response hoped for with my current treatment. My increase in pain is *likely* due to cancer cell die-off because it appears to be working after all! Thank you, Jesus! For now my dr says "it looks good on paper" (via my lab results) but there's holes in my bones so she'll still monitor me very closely. She said it's probably too soon to celebrate but I disagree. Small progress is better than none at all. Anyway, just wanted to share some good news for once ❤

Comfort and Joy

God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy

I'm not normally prone to tears but lately I find myself weeping all the time, both in joy and sorrow. The frustration of facing cancer again is too much. So many decisions, so many appointments, so many uncertainties. I just want to stop time and take in the season, remembering and honoring Jesus, the reason for the season.

Nothing revitalizes your prayer time like a crisis. Sometimes it sure feels like my family got the shortest straw, but then I remember that each of these trials has brought us closer to God and to each other. The blessings far outweigh the hardship. And so I pray. And pray and pray and pray.

"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10

The stillness, the silence is sometimes like an abyss. It seems like emptiness and yet is deafening. But I wait on the Lord knowing he will answer in his time. I will follow wherever he leads me. It's in the stillness that I find my comfort and joy.

I've learned to welcome the quiet. I awoke at 3 am today. Silence. I turn on the lights on my yet undecorated Christmas tree. I'm reminded that HE, Jesus, is the Light of the world, my world, and my eyes shift upward. I know where my help comes from. So I pray again.

After much prayer, family discussions, and research, both independently and with my doctor, I've come to the conclusion that Mexico is not in my future. At least not at this time. I don't actually know what's next but God does and I trust his good plans for me. Little by little, I'm being directed a similar route but one that'll allow me to be home with my family. Priorities. The money that has been raised on my behalf will allow me to pursue treatment here at home as well as seek a second opinion for my care. Other than that, I don't know... My desire is to have the very best "medicine" available, whether that be through conventional means or alternative. This integrative approach requires a lot my insurance won't cover, yet it gives me hope for healing my body rather than just treating symptoms.

Two weeks ago, my oncologist referred me for radiation. They are having trouble fitting me into their schedule. She's sending me in for labs this morning to check my tumor marker count again. The pain I'm in right now, she feels my treatment might not be working as well as we'd hoped. The side effects are making me miserable and the cold weather is just adding to my bone pain. I'm thankful to be traveling home to southern California for Christmas to spend it with my family for the first time in 15 years. I'm hopeful to get my pain under control before we leave.

I will continue to update as I have more to share. For now, I'm needing to take a step back from distractions so I can focus on my family and my health.

As always, your prayers and support are vital and greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Pictured: my little puppy girl knows when I'm not feeling well and she snuggles in to bring unselfish comfort in the only way she knows how.

Pandemonium

pan·de·mo·ni·um

/ˌpandəˈmōnēəm/

noun
noun: pandemonium

wild and noisy disorder or confusion; uproar.

This perfectly describes where I'm at right now.  I long for peace and silence, order and certainty; calm.

I stopped sharing on this blog because I desperately wanted to have my life return to normal. I was done with treatment and restoring health to my body following chemo and surgeries. I didn't want to be a breast cancer poster child any more. I wanted to move on.

Clearly that wasn't to be. I don't always do it well but I try. I shared a post earlier this week that caused mixed reactions from my loved ones. Chaos ensued. Part of me wishes I'd never shared. The other part is glad I did. Allow me to explain. 

When I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago, I opted to go an integrative route for treatment. I had surgery and modified chemo but combined that with several holistic modalities that I felt important and were supported by my integrative oncologist. Prior to this, it had been close to 10 years that I didn't take even tylenol for a headache. I'd experienced multiple allergic reactions and chemical sensitivities, as well as chronic pain associated with fibromyalgia. I went to great lengths to avoid unnecessary toxins and had seen true healing take place. My cancer diagnosis came when I was at my healthiest. Agreeing to do chemo went against EVERYTHING I knew to be true for me. But I prayed and prayed and felt it was the right thing to do. So I did. 

The last 2 years have been spent working hard to rebuild my health, detox my body, heal, and move forward. Finding out in September that the cancer had metastasized to my bones was devastating but I felt peace about it. I no longer had to worry or wonder if and when it would come back. Treatment started right away but it meant taking drugs that I was not okay with. Again. The side effects SUCK and the risks are dangerous. The alternative treaments I'd looked into before were revisited. Endless prayers and research led me back to a clinic in Tijuana. What drew me in was their focus on healing the whole body, not just slowing the cancer growth. That's all my oncologists can do, slow it and make me comfortable. But for how long? These drugs are notorious for working for a while and then stopping. This treatment center focuses on nontoxic treatments and correcting nutritional deficiencies, etc. These things are all in line with my personal philosophies on health and wellness. I realize that this avenue of care does not resonate with everyone. Yet I had no clue the response I'd get from a few loved ones bold enough to speak their concerns. I do appreciate the love and concern expressed. I do love you and am thankful for your concerns. I don't feel obligated to win you over to my way of thinking. I don't expect you to understand why I feel God is leading me that direction. I need your love and encouragement right now though. You can't possibly imagine what is going on in my brain and my heart right now as my own emotions and uncertainties circulate with your doubts and fears.

I met with my integrative oncologist yesterday. She was under the impression my other oncologist was monitoring me closely. She didn't know she'd basically washed her hands of me. She reassured me that won't happen again. She'll be seeing me regularly. We went over both my PET scan from September and the CT scan from my ER visit last weekend. The ER doctor that was dismayed to tell me the cancer had spread even more was partial wrong. The cancer in my ribs and humerus are NOT new. It was there 2 months ago but is now more pronounced. She said the pain should be minimal by now so she's sending me to a radiation oncologist. They're hoping to target the most painful areas, my pelvis and neck, to zap the cancer and relieve the pain. She also is checking my tumor markers again to see if they're still rising. If they are, we'll know that the current treatment is ineffective. We talked about clinical studies. The ones she feels are the best options for me are ones I don't (yet) qualify for. We discussed other treatment options. She will support whatever I decide to do. We discussed the clinic in Mexico. She's been there and to others like it. She does not feel that it's the best place for the type of cancer I have. For others, yes. Very effective. For me, not really. She said I have an aggressive cancer that needs to be met with aggressive treatment in a timely manner. I loathe the urgency to make a decision that needs more time to consider. So, I continue on. I take the drugs. I see the doc for radiation. I keep searching and praying. I don't know if God would have me go to the clinic in Mexico. I do know that every bone in my tired body is against the toxic meds I'm taking. My hair is thinning. My skin is peeling. My gut is in turmoil. My teeth and jaw ache. My neck and head hurt constantly. My pelvic pain has me gasping in pain. Is it any wonder I'm searching high and low for help? 

So, my loved ones, I'm sorry for the pandemonium I caused this week but I make no apologies for the choices I've made and the methods I use to come to those decisions. If you've made a financial contribution to my care that you regret, please let me know immediately so it can be returned. Every dime will go towards my healing and care but at this point I cannot say for certain what that will look like. My intention is to be a good steward of all that I'm given, whether it be time, my body, or funds. God knows my heart and it is Him that I must honor in all things. My hope is in Him alone. 

Pictured: That's my medical file. Pathology reports, labs, scans, notes, and so on. Everything my integrative oncologist has on me. Do you see that invoice next to it? Another $500 "Paid in Full" thanks to your generosity. THANK YOU❤

This year

Some asked for a recap of this year. Here you go.

In January of this year, just over a year after finishing chemo, I started having one problem after another. Pain, infections, cognitive trouble. I was still seeing both my allopathic oncologist and my integrative oncologist regularly, every other month if not more, but every lab, every scan, they ALL came back showing I was NED (no evidence of disease). 

My CTC (circulating tumor cells) results came back ZERO each time. My CA 15-3
My CA 15-3 tumor marker test had been steady for 2 years between 11-13 (<35 is considered normal)

My MRIs, CT scans, and x-rays ALL showed everything was normal. 

EVERYTHING was "normal" but I was still in pain. I got pink eye 5 times in 3 months. I would randomly spike a fever and then it would be gone within hours. My doctors continued to monitor me and check everything they could think of, but nothing came up and I was starting to think it was in my head.

By June, I had come to the conclusion that my body just wasn't working properly and maybe THAT was my new normal. Late July, my oncologist gave me the "all clear" to not have to see her til next year. In August, I spent 2 weeks serving at a camp that is spread out...that meant a lot of walking...but I needed help and was driven around in a golf cart almost everywhere I needed to go. The pain in my hips, back, and shoulder were awful. When I got back from camp, I was due for labs again with my integrative oncologist. (I had decided that since I was still not convinced there wasn't something wrong I would continue seeing my integrative oncologist for monitoring. Thank God I did... That's when my CA 15-3 came back slightly elevated at 36. Only one point higher than what is considered normal, but 20+ higher than it had been. My integrative oncologist sent me back to double check (2 weeks later) and this time it was in the 60s. She was going to send me for another MRI but I asked for a PET scan. It lit up. A bone biopsy confirmed that the breast cancer had spread to my bones.

Stage IV metastatic breast cancer.

When fear sneaks in

Sometimes I think fear seeps into my heart unannounced. It throws off my balance and leaves me clutching for hope. Keeping my eyes focused on Christ when I'm distracted by my broken body is challenging on a good day... next to impossible on days like today.

I went to the ER today. Friday afternoon I started getting a sharp pain in my chest just before I was to teach a private paint party. It happened twice that day and a couple times the next day. When it happened again during church this morning, I decided to go in and get checked.

I had been feeling better the last week and a half. Not needing my cane or pain meds seemed like good news but then the last 3 days it's back and awful. Especially in my neck, ribs, hip, and pubic bone. Walking out of church this morning with baby steps and feeling like my pelvis was going to split in half. My neck feels like the weight of my head will snap it.

The ER ordered a CT scan today. No blood clots in my lungs but it's showing lesions in my ribs, humerus, and clavicle. Unless I'm mistaken, the cancer wasn't in those locations 2 months ago. 

This is my first week with tamoxifen 5x/ week. I declined this toxic hormone blocker for 2 years and now here I am... desperate and hurting and taking it against my better judgment. I'm due for another bone strengthening injection (denosumab) on Dec 10th. With the increasing tumor markers and further spreading, I'm concerned that this combo is not working and wanted to let you know that I'm currently looking into an alternative cancer treatment center in Mexico. If I am able to raise the funds to cover it, I leave in less than 2 months.
Nine months of telling my 2 oncologists that I *knew* something was wrong, only to discover the cancer had returned, spread, and was causing the pain I was feeling, I'm a little leery of trusting them to my care. Now today I'm finding that the cancer is continuing to spread...

Prayer request
It's been 2 months now since I started treatment after confirming that the cancer had returned and spread. I have huge concerns waiting another 2 months before I can go to the treatment center and that's only if I'm able to raise the funds. Please pray for God's mercy and healing, allowing me more time... Pray that we'll be able to raise the funds quickly... Pray for my family and loved ones who are right in the thick of this with me, worried and afraid. Pray for me to keep my eyes on Jesus and trust him in all things.

💕Tika

UPDATED TO ADD: 

For those that asked how they can donate, this link is to the FB fundraiser: http://bit.ly/2RgQvvY

If you prefer Paypal, that link is: www.paypal.me/twcancerfight 

Both are connected to my donation account at First Interstate Bank. Donations may also be made there with no fees. Acct#249106

Blog updates can be found here: ablessedseason.blogspot.com

Thank you💕

Notes

I just want to take a moment to say thank you to those of you that have sent cards and love notes to me and/or my family. God bless you!💕

UPDATE: I'm now 2 months into treatment for Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. The first bone strengthening infusion I had (in Oct) landed me in the ER with the worst pain I've ever experienced. Thankfully my doctor got my insurance to authorize a monthly injection instead so I could avoid a repeat. I had that Monday and have had zero side effects.

My pain is finally under control, praise the Lord! I was also able to get off the pain meds shortly after returning home from our anniversary trip. Thanks to all who prayed for our time away. It was amazing😍

My labs came back this week showing a continued increase in cancer cells. I was hoping to see a better response to treatment but I'll wait and see what my oncologist says about it.

Many folks have contacted me asking how they can help. Our greatest need right now is prayers for healing. And wisdom for what else I should or could be doing. I'm researching other treatment options and it's a bit daunting.
I'm thankful to be able to continue working right now, even with a reduction of hours. Last month I told my family that I wanted to go home to southern California for Christmas. I haven't shared the holidays with my extended family in 15 years. It's happening and I'm so excited about it 🙂 I have over 100 paintings I'll be selling starting next week to help make that possible. I'd appreciate your help spreading the word❤ You can find the details here and share from there: http://bit.ly/SBSVOW18

20th Anniversary - Kauai

Chart

This is the chart of the CA 15-3 cancer tumor markers we've been monitoring. The same test that caught the slight change back in August. Do you see how it was steady and flat until early this year when it started to rise? And then it climbed straight up as those cancer cells started multiplying. There's good news! That slight tip to the right means the cell growth is SLOWING. This is exactly what we were hoping to see as my body begins to respond to the Adaptive Therapy initiated almost one month ago. Since the cancer is advanced and not considered curable, the goal is maintain the number of tumor cells below that which causes symptoms. Like I said, this is good news! Just the beginning but it's encouraging to know that we are headed in the right direction.

I'm also happy to report that we seem to have found a tolerable combination of medications to manage my pain. Now that it is better controlled, I am actively looking into natural or less addictive options as I do not like the idea of long term use of morphine. Several of you mentioned some very helpful points on one of my previous posts, so thanks for that.

Absurdity

I'm not typically one to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I'm not even mad about having cancer again. You know gets me though? Being treated like druggie at the pharmacy. I'm paying hundreds of dollars out of pocket for multiple prescriptions while my doctor tries to figure out what works for my pain. It's not like I can return it if it doesn't work! And then I get to pay for a new one. I know the pharmacy techs are just doing their jobs, but seriously... getting "red flagged" at the pharmacy for controlled substances for cancer is absurd.

Cancer is a really expensive drug addiction, if you ask me.

Thanks

Thank you all for your prayers last night and this morning. I did go to church and I did have the elders pray over me and my family. And I am feeling better at the moment, thanks be to God. I'm hopeful this continues, at least until I get into see my doctor tomorrow to figure out what's next.

This was from this morning's message and seemed totally appropriate to share now:
"Blessed be the Lord! For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.'
Psalms 28:6‭-‬7

Below is the verse that immediate follows the one I shared last night. God hears💗and answers.

Blurred

This week is all blurred together. Between the pain and heavy medications I'm on for it and lack of sleep because of it, these last few days don't have much definition. I had treatment Thursday and worked that night. I was fine till around midnight and was experiencing the worst pain of my life. After hours Friday morning in the ER, I was sent home with a new combo of meds we hoped would help. I was walking without a limp and barely needed my cane but I knew it was the drugs not healing. I worked all day Saturday. By the grace of God and very helpful friends and family, I made it through. My body was screaming for my next dose 2 hours before I was supposed to take it. That was 5 hours ago. I'm still in pain. I don't think it made a difference this time. I hurt even in my teeth and my toes. This is what we were afraid of. And right now I just want to sleep.

All I know to do now is PRAY. And ask you to join me. Tomorrow I plan to be in church asking my elders to pray over me.

Emergency Room

I couldn't walk last night. I was in excruciating pain. I was severely shivering and couldn't get warm despite my electric blanket on high. I was scared. I don't think I've ever been in that much pain. My doctor sent me to the ER this morning. She suspects my body didn't tolerate the bone hardening infusion she sent me for yesterday. There was also concern there were new lesions. Xrays thankfully showed nothing new. They've been pumping me full of narcotics to try to get this pain controlled. I'm finally heading home now to rest. Please pray this combo works.

Casting for Recovery

Last weekend, I attended a fly fishing retreat for breast cancer survivors, Casting for Recovery, at Lake Creek Lodge in Camp Sherman, OR. I took my time driving out there, stopping often and finally allowing myself to process the info I'd just received, that once again I was fighting cancer.
I heard that 65 women applied to go to this special getaway but only 14 are selected each year. I'm so thankful to have been a part of this group and spend time sharing with these women. Such a huge blessing😊 The staff and volunteers took such good care of us! Especially my personal river helper 💗 I was in so much pain that last day when we finally went fishing. She made sure I still had a great time, drove me to the water so I didn't have to walk the distance, let me use her walking stick to help me balance in the water. She even paid attention to my special dietary needs and brought me a snack in case I got hungry while we were out there. Such a gift!
It was an emotional weekend for me but the timing could only have been God's.
A huge THANK YOU to each new friend I made there, for making the weekend so very special.

Stick

Me with my new stick.😉

As questions from friends and family come up, I realize that there are others who may have the same questions about my care. For instance, today I was asked if my insurance will cover my medical expenses. Yes and no. I have both a regular "conventional" oncologist and an integrative oncologist. My insurance will cover the conventional doctor and almost all conventional treaments. What are those? Chemo, hormone therapies, radiation, surgery, scans, labs, etc. They only cover SOME of my meds. All of those things affect my overall health and not always in a positive way. My insurance does NOT cover my integrative oncologist nor any alternative therapies or treatments, like hyperbaric oxygen therapy, infrared sauna, supplements, and an abundance of other modalities that have been very helpful in my healing process. It also doesn't cover the countless hours I've spent in doctor's offices instead of running my business or spending time with my family. Just the past month alone, I've spent over $1200 for doctor visits, a cane to help me walk, supplements, and out-of-pocket prescriptions to help my pain be somewhat manageable.
But whatever. I'm thankful to still be running my business and have control over my schedule. I will continue to work as long as I'm able because I truly love my work. It also helps pay these expenses.

That's just one of several questions I've heard lately and I'm happy to answer. I'm also extremely thankful to all who have donated to help offset these expenses. THANK YOU💗

Confirmation

1st, I just want to say THANK YOU for your prayers and support. It means the world to me & my guys.
2nd, I saw my integrative oncologist today to go over my biopsy results and next steps. The bone biopsy taken from my pelvis confirms that 1) the cancer is back & 2) it is the same type as before. I started treatment (hormone blockers) last week but now we're upping the dose to bring on a faster response. PLEASE pray for this process. I'm to expect even more pain than I'm currently experiencing but the hope is to bring that "peak" on BEFORE Charlie and I leave for our anniversary trip (not during). She now has me on morphine for the pain. As much as I hate taking both these drugs, I don't see another viable option at this time.
3rd, the questions everyone's thinking but afraid to ask:
Stage 4, what does this mean? It means I'll be "in treatment" for the rest of my life, to slow/control its growth.
It's in my bones but not soft tissue. Is that good or bad? Actually, as painful as it is, it's good. I have a longer life expectancy than if it was in my brain, liver, or lungs.
Speaking of life expectancy, am I going to die? Simply put, yes. We all will someday. The odds of me dying from cancer are now increased but my doctor refuses to put a timeline in place till we see how my body responds to treatment. Typically breast cancer survivors with bone mets can live YEARS with controlled disease. I see this as a welcomed challenge. I'm planning on decades. 😊 3 or 4 sound good.
Last of all, I need to put this out there: We (me and my guys) appreciate the love & concern from all who've walked beside us through this.

Every dime donated goes towards my ongoing health care costs to fight this beast.

Scan

Last week I mentioned that my petscan "lit up". This is what I meant. Aside from my brain, kidneys, and bladder, the rest is cancer. Multiple places in my spine, shoulder, pelvis, top of my femur, and sternum. Not a pink ribbon in sight but I'm still aware of breast cancer. How 'bout you?
Did you know that only 2 - 5% of money for breast cancer research is dedicated toward understanding metastatic breast cancer (Stage IV), or finding solutions to extend the lives of MBC patients? Something's wrong with this picture. (Learn more here: www.metavivor.org)

So remember, I'm asking you to do it differently this year when you see those pink ribbons. Let them be a reminder to:
💗SPREAD THE WORD - If you really want to jump on board the pink ribbon wagon, bring awareness to the people by encouraging self breast exams. Know what to do and how often to do it. Early detection increases your survival rate.
💗SHOW YOUR SUPPORT - If you know someone who has/had breast cancer, reach out, be helpful, donate directly to their ongoing expenses, love them, hug them...gently.
💗PRAY FOR A CURE - If you want to know exactly how to pray for someone affected by breast cancer, whether they have it or are supporting someone with it, finding a cure is of paramount importance. Honor that person's treatment choices and pray for their total and complete healing. Physically, spiritually, emotionally.

TWO YEARS AGO during October, I was in the middle of chemo and I asked you to PRAY every time you saw a pink ribbon. LAST YEAR I asked you to continue praying but to also be mindful of WHERE you show your support. If you're buying something with that cute pink ribbon design on it, make sure you know where your dollars are really going. Don't be afraid to ASK a business! If they are truly supportive, they should have no hesitation in sharing that info. Better yet, GIVE directly. Whether to an organization that is actively and honestly supporting breast cancer research or to the survivors themselves. THIS YEAR, I'm asking that your support and prayers continue. Not just for me, but for all women (and men) fighting this all too common battle.
And for those that have asked, here's my Facebook fundraising account: https://www.facebook.com/donate/279741699532634/
Or PayPal to the same account: https://www.paypal.me/TWCancerFight. Every dime goes to my ongoing health care.
Or via First Interstate Bank.

PINKtober

PINKtober =Breast cancer awareness month
I don't know about you but I am aware of breast cancer. I know all about it, more than I ever wanted to know... Not just in October, but every day, every month, all year long. I don't need a pink ribbon to remind me...nor any other color for that matter. I am aware that there are several different types of breast cancer...over a dozen actually! Each one with a different treatment, and each person responding with a different choice, each choice resulting a different outcome. For every woman that receives a breast cancer diagnosis, the hope is the same...to beat it, cure it, never have to worry about it again. So with all the pink ribbon campaigns you'll encounter this month, with all the countless donations and contributions made toward "the cause", you would think we're making progress toward curing breast cancer. But instead, the numbers continue to grow each year. The women diagnosed (and men too) are younger and younger.
But let's be AWARE, right? Spread the word, show your support, pray for a cure. Only this time, do it differently:
SPREAD THE WORD - If you really want to jump on board the pink ribbon wagon, bring awareness to the people by encouraging self breast exams. Know what to do and how often to do it. Early detection increases your survival rate.
SHOW YOUR SUPPORT - If you know someone who has/had breast cancer, reach out, be helpful, donate directly to their ongoing expenses, love them, hug them...gently.
PRAY FOR A CURE - If you want to know exactly how to pray for someone affected by breast cancer, whether they have it or are supporting someone with it, finding a cure is of paramount importance. Honor that person's treatment choices and pray for their total and complete healing. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. (Originally posted by me 10/01/17 with permission to share as you feel led.)

TWO YEARS AGO during October, I was in the middle of chemo and I asked you to PRAY every time you saw a pink ribbon. LAST YEAR I asked you to continue praying but to also be mindful of WHERE you show your support. If you're buying something with that cute pink ribbon design on it, make sure you know where your dollars are really going. Don't be afraid to ASK a business! If they are truly supportive, they should have no hesitation in sharing that info. Better yet, GIVE directly. Whether to an organization that is actively and honestly supporting breast cancer research or to the survivors themselves. THIS YEAR, I'm asking that your support and prayers continue. Not just for me, but for all women (and men) fighting this all too common battle.

Here we go again

I've rewritten this in my head many times the last few weeks. There's really no better way to say it.
After spending this year struggling with one major pain or infection after another, I knew my body was fighting "something". I have trouble walking, standing, sitting, and sleeping due to the intensity of the pain. Every exam, every lab test, every scan has failed to show anything that explains my impaired immune system. That is, until I noticed a slight change in my labs atthe end of Aug. My tumor markers were steady for 2 years, between 11-13, with no change (and the following tumor cell tests continue to be zeros) and now they were 36. My doctor sent me in again to recheck those numbers. 62. She had me fasting for 7 days, water only, to starve and weaken those stubborn cells and reset my metabolism. 82. I asked for a PET scan, knowing my insurance denied coverage last time. This time they approved it. My scan lit up.
I knew I was at high risk for breast cancer recurrence. I was diagnosed with Stage IIB, grade 3 breast cancer May 2016. (The staging has to do with the size of my tumor and it spreading to my lymph nodes.) Grade 3 means the cells were larger and fast growing. Aggressive.
I now am Stage IV, metastatic breast cancer. The breast cancer cells woke up and spread to my bones. I had a bone biopsy taken from my back/hip yesterday. I started meds yesterday too. I'll be in some form of treatment for the rest of my life. (Remember not too long ago when my oncologist said NO CANCER? And those suspicious spots on my pelvis??)
And I am at peace with it all. I will fight this and do all I can to heal but God already knows my future and I rest in knowing his plans are good.
Your prayers are always appreciated.

I was thinking this morning about how we're heading into October, well known for its pink ribbon campaign for breast cancer awareness. I've never been more aware of it than now, have you?

I'm leaving in a few minutes to drive out to the Metolius River, about an hour north of Bend. I was invited to attend a breast cancer survivor fly fishing retreat and I'm looking forward to some quiet time by the river.

Please pray for my family. Once was hard enough. It hasn't even been 2 years since I finished treatment and here we go again. 

Premonition

I wanted to share something with you. I wrote this almost 3 years ago, just 3 months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, shortly after my son was diagnosed with a bunch of disorders that he'd been suffering from and turning our world on it's head. Just prior to that, Charlie left his "secure" corporate job after 13 years when his hard work and dedication was no longer appreciated and he was targeted for termination without cause. I worried the stress of it might kill him. He left on his own terms but that meant no income. This is literally the story of my life and that's only the last 4 years. While the blessings have been abundant, I'm more familiar with hardship and trials. By the grace of God, I'm still standing. When I can't stand, I kneel. When I can't do even that, I curl up under wings and find rest and comfort. 

Friends, another trial is on the horizon. Not to a downer, but this is always true to some extent or another. I can't say that I don't have moments of worry and fear, but then I look back on all that God has carried me through, provided for, and blessed me with, and I *know* that I will be okay. I *know* that his plans for me are good, even if they're not what I'd hoped for.
So many times I've turned to you asking for prayer. You never disappoint! Thank you for that. Today, how can I pray for you? (Feel free to pm me if you don't care to share below.) My prayer for you is that you find JOY in Jesus, that you find COMFORT in him, and PEACE. He is all of those things to me and then some. Press in, my friends, and know that he loves you dearly.

44

My 44 reasons to be thankful today: 
1. For my salvation in Christ, sealed and secured. 
2. For my beloved husband Charlie, for your loving and faithful heart, for your devotion to God and your family. 
3. For my son Ryan, for your compassion and kindness, for your helpfulness. 
4. For my son Nathan, for your determination, for working hard for me and with me. 
5. For my mom Linda, for your unconditional love, for your tender heart, for showing me how a mother loves. 
6. For my dad, for the few times a year you say "I love you" and for all the other ways you show it. 
7. For my stepmom Mary Jo, for your strength and encouragement, for your lessons in gratitude. 
8. For my sister Amber, for being my closest friend and confidant, for saying the hard things, and for reminding me of God's promises. 
9. For my brother, for reminding me of my roots and gentle spirit. 
10. For my inlaws, for welcoming me in and claiming me as their own. Angie,Michael, F and Barbara, Ray and Sheryl
11. For my aunts and uncles, for the unique and loving relationships I have with each of you. Alfonsina, John, Leonore, Tony, Verna, Tony, Grace, Chito,Bob
12. For my cousins, for sharing the memories, the present, and the future, regardless of the time apart. Becky, Robert, Christie, Jessica, Jeff, Andrea,Jeanine, Cathy, and so many more
13. For Kelly, for letting me say all the things I'm really thinking and loving me anyway. 
14. For Carrie, for the give and take of so many ups and downs, for loving me through it all. 
15. For Lucy, for making me laugh when I need it most, for letting me cry, for letting me vent. Ludmila
16. For Leslie, for mentoring me when I needed it most, for letting me be me, for trusting me. 
17. For Sarah, for making me laugh, for sharing this Boy Mom journey with me and teaching me to lighten up, for your heart of gold you try to hide but fool no one. 
18. For Rachel, for seeing what I didn't and lovingly steering me where I needed to be, for listening, for inviting my family into yours. 
19. For Kathryn, for heart to heart conversations we share over coffee, tears and laughter included, for letting me "in".
20. For Emmett, Justus, Terrel, and Isaac, for letting me love you, for sharing life's joys and sorrows, and for being my Bonus Boys, the extra sons of my heart. 
21. For Jenn, for being there, showing up, saying the hard stuff, for your laughter and support. 
22. For Jessica Pritchett, for your gentle words, fervent prayers, and showing me what good old fashioned and good natured competition looks like.
23. For my pastors, both past and present, for your faithful leadership and teachings, for prayers and support, for reminding me that this is not our home. Steve, Jim, Dale, Jim, Brian
24. For my studio and all who walk in those doors, for the friends that supported my vision and encouraged me to pursue my dream, against all odds, for sharing with others, for helping it grow. 
25. For my church family, far and wide, for being Christ's hands and feet, for your prayers and love, for your faithfulness. 
26. For my CARE group sisters, for helping me navigate the early days and celebrating the ups and crying with me on the downs. 
27. For my humble home, that we have been able to welcome in many friends and family over the years, that the cozy space was not an issue, that it has always been enough. 
28. For Lanessa, for encouraging me in my business, for showing me the ropes, for believing in me, for the friendship that developed. 
29. For technology, that it allows me to work just about anywhere and keep in touch with family and friends, near and far. 
30. For Sean & Jennifer, for opening your home to my family time and again, without hesitation, for your friendship and prayers over the years. 
31. For my health, both good and bad, for all I have learned along the way, for healing. 
32. For cancer, hard as it may be, for all the lessons it's taught me, for the shift in perspective I needed, and for opening my eyes to what truly matters. 
33. For Mandi, for walking through the hard stuff together, laughing and crying along the way. 
34. For my nieces, for all the girlie stuff you share that I don't get at home. 
35. For my nephews, for your wild spirits and for reminding me of the younger years that flew by with my boys. 
36. For sunny days by the ocean, digging my feet in the warm sand, and being reminded of how small I am in this world, yet God loves me. 
37. For the mountains and trees that reach for the heavens, that keep me grounded and inspire me to capture their beauty. 
38. For my medical care team, for their wisdom and education, for their guidance.
39. For fall, it's cooler days and gorgeous colors.
40. For days of rest, for allowing my body to heal and be whole, to restore my energy, fill my spirit. 
41. For books, for opening doors to other worlds, for educating me, for inspiring me. 
42. For Kris, for being a quick and constant friend from the moment I met you. 
43. For the pain in my body that reminds me I'm alive, for being constantly aware of every detail. 
44. For the completion of 44 years on this earth, for each days God has granted me to live life to the fullest, for his glory, for each one to come. 
Happy birthday to me. I love each and every one of you and listed these in no particular order, just as they came to me. I just wanted to share that there is always room for more gratitude, that JOY is a choice with choosing.