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Friday, May 5, 2017

One year

One year ago today, I sat in the doctor's office with a doctor I'd only met because my regular doctor was unavailable. I sat there with Charlie, waiting to hear the results of my biopsy. The doctor walked in wearing stilettos and I remember thinking how impractical those shoes must be, especially for a doctor. As she started going over my results, her vocabulary made me cringe...trash mouth...I wanted to hand her a bar of soap...but cancer. I have cancer? I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly through all the profanities. Cancer. I wanted to tell her to shut up. Stop saying those words. Stop being unprofessional. Stop talking. Just stop.

I had planned an open studio for that afternoon. Charlie encouraged me to cancel it and go home. I insisted that I needed to be busy. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to think about what the doctor said. I didn't want to have cancer. I wanted to throw up. I needed to scream. I went to paint. No one showed up. I was alone anyway. I painted and I prayed. I covered my hands in paint and smeared it on my canvas. I was scared.

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

I was not alone. God was with me then and he is with me now. It's been one year since my world was turned upside-down and I am well. I am still choosing JOY. Thanks be to God❤