Here we go again

I've rewritten this in my head many times the last few weeks. There's really no better way to say it.
After spending this year struggling with one major pain or infection after another, I knew my body was fighting "something". I have trouble walking, standing, sitting, and sleeping due to the intensity of the pain. Every exam, every lab test, every scan has failed to show anything that explains my impaired immune system. That is, until I noticed a slight change in my labs atthe end of Aug. My tumor markers were steady for 2 years, between 11-13, with no change (and the following tumor cell tests continue to be zeros) and now they were 36. My doctor sent me in again to recheck those numbers. 62. She had me fasting for 7 days, water only, to starve and weaken those stubborn cells and reset my metabolism. 82. I asked for a PET scan, knowing my insurance denied coverage last time. This time they approved it. My scan lit up.
I knew I was at high risk for breast cancer recurrence. I was diagnosed with Stage IIB, grade 3 breast cancer May 2016. (The staging has to do with the size of my tumor and it spreading to my lymph nodes.) Grade 3 means the cells were larger and fast growing. Aggressive.
I now am Stage IV, metastatic breast cancer. The breast cancer cells woke up and spread to my bones. I had a bone biopsy taken from my back/hip yesterday. I started meds yesterday too. I'll be in some form of treatment for the rest of my life. (Remember not too long ago when my oncologist said NO CANCER? And those suspicious spots on my pelvis??)
And I am at peace with it all. I will fight this and do all I can to heal but God already knows my future and I rest in knowing his plans are good.
Your prayers are always appreciated.

I was thinking this morning about how we're heading into October, well known for its pink ribbon campaign for breast cancer awareness. I've never been more aware of it than now, have you?

I'm leaving in a few minutes to drive out to the Metolius River, about an hour north of Bend. I was invited to attend a breast cancer survivor fly fishing retreat and I'm looking forward to some quiet time by the river.

Please pray for my family. Once was hard enough. It hasn't even been 2 years since I finished treatment and here we go again. 

Premonition

I wanted to share something with you. I wrote this almost 3 years ago, just 3 months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, shortly after my son was diagnosed with a bunch of disorders that he'd been suffering from and turning our world on it's head. Just prior to that, Charlie left his "secure" corporate job after 13 years when his hard work and dedication was no longer appreciated and he was targeted for termination without cause. I worried the stress of it might kill him. He left on his own terms but that meant no income. This is literally the story of my life and that's only the last 4 years. While the blessings have been abundant, I'm more familiar with hardship and trials. By the grace of God, I'm still standing. When I can't stand, I kneel. When I can't do even that, I curl up under wings and find rest and comfort. 

Friends, another trial is on the horizon. Not to a downer, but this is always true to some extent or another. I can't say that I don't have moments of worry and fear, but then I look back on all that God has carried me through, provided for, and blessed me with, and I *know* that I will be okay. I *know* that his plans for me are good, even if they're not what I'd hoped for.
So many times I've turned to you asking for prayer. You never disappoint! Thank you for that. Today, how can I pray for you? (Feel free to pm me if you don't care to share below.) My prayer for you is that you find JOY in Jesus, that you find COMFORT in him, and PEACE. He is all of those things to me and then some. Press in, my friends, and know that he loves you dearly.

44

My 44 reasons to be thankful today: 
1. For my salvation in Christ, sealed and secured. 
2. For my beloved husband Charlie, for your loving and faithful heart, for your devotion to God and your family. 
3. For my son Ryan, for your compassion and kindness, for your helpfulness. 
4. For my son Nathan, for your determination, for working hard for me and with me. 
5. For my mom Linda, for your unconditional love, for your tender heart, for showing me how a mother loves. 
6. For my dad, for the few times a year you say "I love you" and for all the other ways you show it. 
7. For my stepmom Mary Jo, for your strength and encouragement, for your lessons in gratitude. 
8. For my sister Amber, for being my closest friend and confidant, for saying the hard things, and for reminding me of God's promises. 
9. For my brother, for reminding me of my roots and gentle spirit. 
10. For my inlaws, for welcoming me in and claiming me as their own. Angie,Michael, F and Barbara, Ray and Sheryl
11. For my aunts and uncles, for the unique and loving relationships I have with each of you. Alfonsina, John, Leonore, Tony, Verna, Tony, Grace, Chito,Bob
12. For my cousins, for sharing the memories, the present, and the future, regardless of the time apart. Becky, Robert, Christie, Jessica, Jeff, Andrea,Jeanine, Cathy, and so many more
13. For Kelly, for letting me say all the things I'm really thinking and loving me anyway. 
14. For Carrie, for the give and take of so many ups and downs, for loving me through it all. 
15. For Lucy, for making me laugh when I need it most, for letting me cry, for letting me vent. Ludmila
16. For Leslie, for mentoring me when I needed it most, for letting me be me, for trusting me. 
17. For Sarah, for making me laugh, for sharing this Boy Mom journey with me and teaching me to lighten up, for your heart of gold you try to hide but fool no one. 
18. For Rachel, for seeing what I didn't and lovingly steering me where I needed to be, for listening, for inviting my family into yours. 
19. For Kathryn, for heart to heart conversations we share over coffee, tears and laughter included, for letting me "in".
20. For Emmett, Justus, Terrel, and Isaac, for letting me love you, for sharing life's joys and sorrows, and for being my Bonus Boys, the extra sons of my heart. 
21. For Jenn, for being there, showing up, saying the hard stuff, for your laughter and support. 
22. For Jessica Pritchett, for your gentle words, fervent prayers, and showing me what good old fashioned and good natured competition looks like.
23. For my pastors, both past and present, for your faithful leadership and teachings, for prayers and support, for reminding me that this is not our home. Steve, Jim, Dale, Jim, Brian
24. For my studio and all who walk in those doors, for the friends that supported my vision and encouraged me to pursue my dream, against all odds, for sharing with others, for helping it grow. 
25. For my church family, far and wide, for being Christ's hands and feet, for your prayers and love, for your faithfulness. 
26. For my CARE group sisters, for helping me navigate the early days and celebrating the ups and crying with me on the downs. 
27. For my humble home, that we have been able to welcome in many friends and family over the years, that the cozy space was not an issue, that it has always been enough. 
28. For Lanessa, for encouraging me in my business, for showing me the ropes, for believing in me, for the friendship that developed. 
29. For technology, that it allows me to work just about anywhere and keep in touch with family and friends, near and far. 
30. For Sean & Jennifer, for opening your home to my family time and again, without hesitation, for your friendship and prayers over the years. 
31. For my health, both good and bad, for all I have learned along the way, for healing. 
32. For cancer, hard as it may be, for all the lessons it's taught me, for the shift in perspective I needed, and for opening my eyes to what truly matters. 
33. For Mandi, for walking through the hard stuff together, laughing and crying along the way. 
34. For my nieces, for all the girlie stuff you share that I don't get at home. 
35. For my nephews, for your wild spirits and for reminding me of the younger years that flew by with my boys. 
36. For sunny days by the ocean, digging my feet in the warm sand, and being reminded of how small I am in this world, yet God loves me. 
37. For the mountains and trees that reach for the heavens, that keep me grounded and inspire me to capture their beauty. 
38. For my medical care team, for their wisdom and education, for their guidance.
39. For fall, it's cooler days and gorgeous colors.
40. For days of rest, for allowing my body to heal and be whole, to restore my energy, fill my spirit. 
41. For books, for opening doors to other worlds, for educating me, for inspiring me. 
42. For Kris, for being a quick and constant friend from the moment I met you. 
43. For the pain in my body that reminds me I'm alive, for being constantly aware of every detail. 
44. For the completion of 44 years on this earth, for each days God has granted me to live life to the fullest, for his glory, for each one to come. 
Happy birthday to me. I love each and every one of you and listed these in no particular order, just as they came to me. I just wanted to share that there is always room for more gratitude, that JOY is a choice with choosing.

Praying the pain away

It's 2 am. Night owls, early birds, I need your prayers. I've been in excruciating pain for days now. I can barely walk. Please pray. We have no idea what's causing the pain.