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Thursday, June 29, 2017

2 days post op

This morning was my first time waking up at home. I slept through the night, which is both good and bad. Good because I need the rest to heal. Bad because it means I didn't take any pain meds for almost 10 hours. I was in so much pain just trying to sit up I thought I'd either throw up or pass out from the pain. No bueno. I'm thankful my boys were here to help me get a quick bite to eat so I could take my meds. It's taking about 45 mins for them to kick in. Ugh...

Feeling better now but planning to try and stay ahead of the pain going forward.  I hate taking meds but right now they're necessary.

My surgery went well. No complications. My surgeon was able to place my expanders and give me my first fills. I'll see him again in 2 weeks to remove my drains. Thankfully the drains aren't bothering me as much as the ones last year from my mastectomy. Awkward and uncomfortable, yes, but not awful.

I'm sending out gentle hugs to all my loving helpers these last few days. You know who you are 💜 Thank you! Whether it was to deliver a meal or just a quick visit, we appreciate it. The more I can rest the faster I'll heal.

While prayers for my healing are appreciated, please continue to keep our family (especially Charlie, his sister Angie, and stepdad Ray) in your prayers as we each find our way through the grief of losing his mom less than 2 weeks ago. Thank you❤

Showtime

8:30 am UPDATE: All is well. Got a little rest and they finally figured out a pain med that seems to be working without making me ill.  I'm going home in a couple hours. Thanks for covering me in prayer💜

Night owls, please pray. It's been over 12 hours since I got out of surgery and I haven't slept. I got 2 hours Monday night. I have a very LOUD roommate that is coughing and puking. I can hear her through ear plugs. The thought of me getting sick when I'm in so much pain already is no good.  I'm wearing a mask but claustrophobia sucks and so do hot flashes. So far nothing they've given me has touched the pain. Please pray. They tell me there are no empty rooms. I just want to go home.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Rearview mirror

One year ago today, I went in for a life-changing, life-saving surgery to remove the cancer invading my body. I am still sorting through the long-lasting effects, even now as I'm preparing for another surgery to rebuild what was destroyed.

Not long after my double mastectomy last year, I had a doctor tell me "I know this is hard right now, but a year from now you'll look back and see that this is all behind you." The timing was perfect. It was just what I needed to hear then to carry me through the months to come. I looked forward to this day, looking in my rearview mirror to see that cancer was far behind me...only it's not.

I'll be honest (because what's the point of lying?) I'm struggling lately. When I stopped chemo last November, I was hopeful to enjoy and celebrate the holidays with my family. They too have been through so much. But it flew by with more doctor appointments and catching up on everything that had been put on hold. Everything but them. I was hopeful for a family getaway to rest and recuperate, to spend time together, to celebrate the end of the hardest days of my life (their lives too), but that has been put on hold too. We went from one hardship right into another. My inlaws both are fighting cancer right now. Both were diagnosed just as I finished treatment. My mother-in-law is close to her Homecoming. Soon she will be face to face with Jesus. How pathetic that I'm a little jealous. No more suffering. It's so not fair! No more sickness and pain. I hate cancer. I'm so happy for her. She will be missed but she will be remembered and loved always.

I said I was struggling. That may be an understatement. I need your prayers, my friends. I should be celebrating today but instead I'm in tears. This dark cloud that has moved in again is not welcome here but I'm helpless to change it. I pray and I know God hears my prayers. I just wish I could hear his response...

Some days it's a lot easier to choose joy. I *want* to choose joy! I want off this stupid rollercoaster of emotions and hardship. I have much to be thankful for. I also have much that weighs heavily on my heart. God tells us (repeatedly) to be strong and courageous. He also tells us not to be anxious. I feel weak and afraid, worried, disobedient. I feel like I've failed.

I planned to have a party next weekend to celebrate my year of being cancer free. As much as I want to do that, I'm not sure it's a *need* that God is providing for. I go in for reconstructive surgery at the end of this month and will not be able to work for a couple weeks. I had planned accordingly with my schedule at my art studio, scheduled extra classes and events to help cover the weeks I won't be working. I'm starting to wonder if that too is a *want* rather than a need. Business is so slow...I truly don't know how I'll be able to keep my doors open if I go through with my surgery. Please pray. God is so confusing sometimes yet I know he loves me. I just don't understand what he wants me to do next. Who am I to doubt his plans when I *know* they are good? Who am I to question God?

How do you climb out of a dark pit of despair when so much is out of your control??