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Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Rearview mirror

One year ago today, I went in for a life-changing, life-saving surgery to remove the cancer invading my body. I am still sorting through the long-lasting effects, even now as I'm preparing for another surgery to rebuild what was destroyed.

Not long after my double mastectomy last year, I had a doctor tell me "I know this is hard right now, but a year from now you'll look back and see that this is all behind you." The timing was perfect. It was just what I needed to hear then to carry me through the months to come. I looked forward to this day, looking in my rearview mirror to see that cancer was far behind me...only it's not.

I'll be honest (because what's the point of lying?) I'm struggling lately. When I stopped chemo last November, I was hopeful to enjoy and celebrate the holidays with my family. They too have been through so much. But it flew by with more doctor appointments and catching up on everything that had been put on hold. Everything but them. I was hopeful for a family getaway to rest and recuperate, to spend time together, to celebrate the end of the hardest days of my life (their lives too), but that has been put on hold too. We went from one hardship right into another. My inlaws both are fighting cancer right now. Both were diagnosed just as I finished treatment. My mother-in-law is close to her Homecoming. Soon she will be face to face with Jesus. How pathetic that I'm a little jealous. No more suffering. It's so not fair! No more sickness and pain. I hate cancer. I'm so happy for her. She will be missed but she will be remembered and loved always.

I said I was struggling. That may be an understatement. I need your prayers, my friends. I should be celebrating today but instead I'm in tears. This dark cloud that has moved in again is not welcome here but I'm helpless to change it. I pray and I know God hears my prayers. I just wish I could hear his response...

Some days it's a lot easier to choose joy. I *want* to choose joy! I want off this stupid rollercoaster of emotions and hardship. I have much to be thankful for. I also have much that weighs heavily on my heart. God tells us (repeatedly) to be strong and courageous. He also tells us not to be anxious. I feel weak and afraid, worried, disobedient. I feel like I've failed.

I planned to have a party next weekend to celebrate my year of being cancer free. As much as I want to do that, I'm not sure it's a *need* that God is providing for. I go in for reconstructive surgery at the end of this month and will not be able to work for a couple weeks. I had planned accordingly with my schedule at my art studio, scheduled extra classes and events to help cover the weeks I won't be working. I'm starting to wonder if that too is a *want* rather than a need. Business is so slow...I truly don't know how I'll be able to keep my doors open if I go through with my surgery. Please pray. God is so confusing sometimes yet I know he loves me. I just don't understand what he wants me to do next. Who am I to doubt his plans when I *know* they are good? Who am I to question God?

How do you climb out of a dark pit of despair when so much is out of your control??