Nothing new

What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 1:9

Alternating between the illusions of both time standing still and speeding by, I'm learning to dance without really hearing the music. I'm learning to follow His lead, watch for His signal, wait for His voice.

There is nothing new to report. My silence comes from the quiet place where I find refuge under His protective wings. I'm celebrating this season, the hills and valleys, with my friends and family. Some days are brimming with activity. Others insist upon rest.

And yet He whispers my name, beckons...

I had another doctor appointment yesterday that was just part of a regular checkup. "You look great!", says my doctor. "If I didn't have your chart in front of me, I'd never guess you have cancer." Yes. If it wasn't for the pain I'm constantly pushing back, I would think the same thing. My face practices hiding the wincing like a pro. Maybe I should take up acting. I feel like a liar. I'm sorry...

I go in for more lab work tomorrow. My poor vein is building up scar tissue from using the same arm over and over again.  I will see my oncologist again in January. Right now, things look good on paper. We're praying that true healing is happening.

Sometimes an idea forms and I don't know what to do with it, so I pray and consider it from all angles. Then a friend comes along and basically suggests the very same thing, confirming it was worth my time to ponder. When a second friend gives encouragement that echoes that affirmation, it's clearly time for action.

Last month, a friend asked if she could read scripture and pray with me. Not long after, another friend asked if I have prayer warriors committed to lifting me up daily. I know that I do and I am thankful for that. Then she encouraged me to meet regularly with them. Friends, I crave this fellowship with other women, with like-minded believers, but it's been missing in my life for years and now He's calling me out.

Lord, teach me to be like Abraham, Samuel, and Jacob..."Here I am!" And set my feet unto action.

Beginning in January, I will be hosting an informal time of scripture reading and prayer. A weekly "come as you are" hour or so, even if that means pajamas and bedhead. That will likely be me. If you would be interested in joining me, please let me know. It will be at 10 am but I'm not sure which day of the week yet. I'll see who's interested first and when works for most.

Pictured: I finally gave in and applied for a disabled person parking permit. I'm not sure why I waited so long but I'm thankful I have it now.

Likely

I saw my integrative oncologist today. She ordered labs yesterday. With the pain I'm in again, she was concerned we weren't getting the response hoped for with my current treatment. My increase in pain is *likely* due to cancer cell die-off because it appears to be working after all! Thank you, Jesus! For now my dr says "it looks good on paper" (via my lab results) but there's holes in my bones so she'll still monitor me very closely. She said it's probably too soon to celebrate but I disagree. Small progress is better than none at all. Anyway, just wanted to share some good news for once ❤

Comfort and Joy

God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy

I'm not normally prone to tears but lately I find myself weeping all the time, both in joy and sorrow. The frustration of facing cancer again is too much. So many decisions, so many appointments, so many uncertainties. I just want to stop time and take in the season, remembering and honoring Jesus, the reason for the season.

Nothing revitalizes your prayer time like a crisis. Sometimes it sure feels like my family got the shortest straw, but then I remember that each of these trials has brought us closer to God and to each other. The blessings far outweigh the hardship. And so I pray. And pray and pray and pray.

"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10

The stillness, the silence is sometimes like an abyss. It seems like emptiness and yet is deafening. But I wait on the Lord knowing he will answer in his time. I will follow wherever he leads me. It's in the stillness that I find my comfort and joy.

I've learned to welcome the quiet. I awoke at 3 am today. Silence. I turn on the lights on my yet undecorated Christmas tree. I'm reminded that HE, Jesus, is the Light of the world, my world, and my eyes shift upward. I know where my help comes from. So I pray again.

After much prayer, family discussions, and research, both independently and with my doctor, I've come to the conclusion that Mexico is not in my future. At least not at this time. I don't actually know what's next but God does and I trust his good plans for me. Little by little, I'm being directed a similar route but one that'll allow me to be home with my family. Priorities. The money that has been raised on my behalf will allow me to pursue treatment here at home as well as seek a second opinion for my care. Other than that, I don't know... My desire is to have the very best "medicine" available, whether that be through conventional means or alternative. This integrative approach requires a lot my insurance won't cover, yet it gives me hope for healing my body rather than just treating symptoms.

Two weeks ago, my oncologist referred me for radiation. They are having trouble fitting me into their schedule. She's sending me in for labs this morning to check my tumor marker count again. The pain I'm in right now, she feels my treatment might not be working as well as we'd hoped. The side effects are making me miserable and the cold weather is just adding to my bone pain. I'm thankful to be traveling home to southern California for Christmas to spend it with my family for the first time in 15 years. I'm hopeful to get my pain under control before we leave.

I will continue to update as I have more to share. For now, I'm needing to take a step back from distractions so I can focus on my family and my health.

As always, your prayers and support are vital and greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Pictured: my little puppy girl knows when I'm not feeling well and she snuggles in to bring unselfish comfort in the only way she knows how.