The testing of my faith

The testing of my faith has been delivered to me in a most peculiar way. Who in their right mind would call cancer a gift? And yet it has been, it has taught me so much, stretched me, blessed me. And yes, it has a ribbon of fear wrapped around and binding me on each side, a part of the package.

I do not want to live in fear. I want to live in JOY. I want to enjoy this life God has given me, each precious day, each breath, each moment. Yet it's not about me, is it? 

2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 

What exactly is steadfastness anyway? 

stead·fast·ness

/ˈstedˌfastnəs/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. the quality of being resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering.

Oh. So these trials that test my faith - cancer, pain, parent challenges, work - they're producing steadfastness in me, making me "dutifully firm and unwavering", so that I may be complete and lacking nothing. 

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Let's be honest here. I lack wisdom. If wisdom is the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment, then why am I so lost and confused? I have asked God to help me here...he has provided in the past and I can trust that he will provide again...but meanwhile I'm feeling very lost and confused. I don't know what to do. Perhaps I am doubting? I do feel like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. I do feel unstable. Lord, increase my faith! 

Last week, I got to spend some time with my family in California. I felt "off" the whole time I was there, but especially the last day. I realized that I'd had an upset stomach for weeks and it was not improving. I emailed my doctor from the airport as I was heading home. My doctor called me Friday and had me go in for labs. I had to go in for more on Tuesday. My prayers continue, pleading with God for healing, to be well, to be whole. As the lab results trickled in, I sank deeper and deeper. Despite this new medication, my tumor markers have more than doubled. The inflammation in my body is way too high. The calcium in my blood is at toxic levels. The bone strengthening injection I've been receiving since September should be pulling that to my bones to prevent a fracture. 

My doctor has instructed me to listen to my body and tend to my digestive system. I'm not getting the nutrients I need from the food I'm eating. I'm back on a very limited diet and keeping a food journal to try and figure out what I can tolerate. Every time I eat, my stomach rebels. I'd rather not eat. I feel like my system is shutting down, betraying me. 

12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

I'm trying to stay the course. I'm trying to stand strong. I. am. exhausted. I am so thankful for those that have stood alongside me and encouraged me when I feel overwhelmed by each crashing wave.  

16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.18 Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

Every good and perfect gift is truly heaven-sent. Thank you, Father God.  

Sunday, Charlie and I will drive up to Portland. My oncologists have referred me to a breast cancer specialist at OHSU Knight Cancer Institute. I have an appointment Monday morning to see a doctor that only sees breast cancer patients and specializes in early phase clinical trials. Please pray he has something helpful to offer that my other doctors have not yet considered. I'm feeling desperate. This cancer has been growing and spreading uncontrollably for the last year and a half. We need to get ahead of it to slow it down. 

Please pray for my sons. My oldest just announced tonight that he's found his first apartment. Praise the Lord! My youngest is struggling... thought he was handling things well, but I found out today that he is definitely not. We are working with his counselor but it's going to take time. He's afraid of losing me. He burst into tears today and I'm helpless to comfort him. Please pray.

One last prayer request- that I might keep my eyes focused on God and fully submitted to his will for me, that he gives me peace and comfort, wisdom and discernment.