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Tuesday, October 18, 2016


"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"

I'm not sure why today was so hard. It just was. The truth is I'm feeling anxious and I can't shake it. Please pray.

I had my labwork done today and had my  appointment. I'm beginning to think these appointments are pointless. My oncologist and her PA never seem to be on the same page and it's frustrating. One tries to take me off the supplements I'm taking, the other offers pain meds. I was told today that their goal is to "minimize my suffering" so I can complete chemotherapy. I feel like I'm overloaded with toxins. My head hurts all the time. My body aches. I get my little "break" tomorrow. They'll give me steroids with chemo and my body will think it's just fine. 7 more rounds. 43 more days.

do not be anxious about your times this seems nearly impossible. I want to get on with my life yet am fully aware that my own cancer awareness will be with me for the rest of my life. I'm praying for freedom from this, not knowing how God will answer but trusting that he will.

what you will eat or what you will drink...
I am so over thinking about my next meal. For someone with no appetite, I spend way to much time worrying about what to eat, will it be good for me, will it taste appealing. I eat to nourish my body. I feel like each bite is an offering of love to a body being abused by the chemicals coursing through my veins. I eat to give life back where cancer has been destroyed.

nor about your body, what you will put on...
It's a silly little thing to realize that nothing fits my forever changed body quite right. I was encouraged to buy a new dress for a photo shoot I was nominated for. At first I was excited at the thought of a little splurge to look and feel pretty, just in time for my anniversary, but now I'm wondering how I'll find the energy to go...will I be able to find something? Does it even matter?

I just want to sleep.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

I'm seeking you, Lord...knowing you hear my cry...believing your promises...

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

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