I'm not ready...yet I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be.
I don't want this...yet I'm ready to get this over with. That first step. My life will never be the same.
I had a sweet conversation with my neighbor late last night as I pulled in the driveway after having dinner with my girlfriends. She's a 14 year breast cancer survivor and just a sweetheart for taking a few minutes to ask how I'm really doing. She knows. She understands when I tell her I'm not looking forward to the down time after surgery. I'm not looking forward to the road ahead. I'm not looking forward to losing my breasts, tender scars, starting over. I'm not looking forward to that first look at my forever-changed body...nor my husband's first look. I'm not looking forward to the chemicals the doctors will be pumping into my veins after years without so much as Tylenol. I'm not looking forward to not working...and wondering if my business will survive. I'm not looking forward to a lot of things.
He reminds me of his love for me with each passing day. He wakes me up at odd hours to show me This is what quiet looks like...This is the stillness when you will find rest...This is where you will find me. He reminds me that I have loved ones, near and far, that are quick to love on me, to bring a smile to my face with a simple card and a few words. I look forward to more time resting under his wings.
Yesterday, I received a gift from a young man I had in my art classes several years ago. A beautiful wood planter box with sunflowers growing in it. He made the box with his own two hands just for me. He's an adult now and I'm touched that he did this. Something pretty to grow on my patio and remind me of all the ways God loves me. I look forward to watching it grow.
Yesterday, I learned how awkward it is for both of us when someone doesn't know what to say to me. I'm sorry. This is hard for me too. I'll take that hug and a smile instead and you can tell me you're praying for me...please do...and that will be enough. I look forward the hug and smile.
Yesterday, I learned the importance and healing power of laughter, of good friends, holding of small babies. These are the friends that will visit me to laugh some more, to hold my arms up when I cannot. I look forward to more of these times.
Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.
Lord, help me to keep my eyes looking forward to your goodness. Help me to keep my eyes on you.
4 more days.