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Monday, September 12, 2016

Sifting

sift
sift/
verb
gerund or present participle: sifting
  1. 1.
    put (a fine, loose, or powdery substance) through a sieve so as to remove lumps or large particles.
    "sift the flour into a large bowl"
    synonyms:sievestrainscreenfilterriddle;
    archaicbolt
    "sift the flour into a large bowl"
  2. 2.
    examine (something) thoroughly so as to isolate that which is most important or useful.
    "until we sift the evidence ourselves, we can't comment objectively"
    synonyms:search through, look through, examineinspectscrutinize, pore over, investigate,analyzedissectreview
    "investigators are sifting through the wreckage"

I am sifting through the details of my life right now. Filtering out all but the essentials. It is allowing me to see things more clearly, to remove the distractions, to be thankful, and to pray. I'm finding myself feeling emotionally raw, hypersensitive to both the good things and the bad. My heart aches with compassion for my loved ones...and rejoices with the smallest of blessings. I have been stripped to the core...

Twice last week I received surprised messages from 2 different friends, both under the impression that I'm done with chemo. Not even close. I have 12 rounds of chemotherapy to go. Weekly starting this Wednesday. If there are no delays, I will be done shortly after Thanksgiving. God willing...

Charlie told me the other day that sometimes he forgets that I have cancer. I do too...mostly when I'm doing what I love. Like dancing with my husband. Or painting on a new canvas. Spending time chatting with a girlfriend. I wish my days weren't filled with everything that reminds me of my battle. I have 6 appointments this week...all because of cancer. 

I have given up on writing individual thank you notes. And I refuse to feel ashamed. I am overwhelmed by the number of cards and notes I've received, the donations and meals that have arrived...how will I ever keep up? I am tired...exhausted...poured out. Please forgive me. 

It has been 4 months and 7 days since I was diagnosed with breast cancer and my world was turned upside-down. 128 days. In another 128 days, I'll be done...moving forward...healing. Before that, I only had fibromyalgia and thought I knew pain and fatigue. I measured my strength and energy in "spoons"...and my family knew what that meant. I was thankful for the healing God had given me and was enjoying my active and healthy lifestyle. I was building up my business, exercising regularly, eating well, and loving the freedom. I've homeschooled my boys since they were but tiny tots...now they're both in high school.  Then cancer strikes...Which of these things shall I give up? I do not have the energy or time to do them all...If I don't do it, who will? I do not worry about these things anymore. The house will get cleaned...eventually. The laundry too. I ate breakfast this morning and it didn't make me sick, so that's good. My boys started school today and I have a date to go dancing with Charlie tonight. My little "carrot" dangling in front of me to get me through today. I am tired already but I am choosing JOY.


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