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Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Letting go

Running, resting, tired, sleeping...awake.
Hungry, fasting, nausea, tastes...funny.
Happy, content, lonely, hurt....overjoyed.

Every day, my head is spinning. I don't know what to expect next...so I'm letting it go. All the expectations I've put on myself and others...no more. I wish I'd done this sooner, before sharing my heartache last week...and hurting those that have been here for me. I'm so sorry. I'm still figuring this out. I've never done this before. I don't know what is supposed to look like. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or act. Please forgive me. I wasn't trying to be selfish. I'm trying not to fail. I'm struggling with asking for help when I don't know what I need. It's even harder to let you help me when you ask how you can. I'm so used to being The Doer...the planner, the organizer. But I'm trying...

For those that took the message to heart and thanked me for the reminder, I'm so glad you did. I'm even more thankful for the resulting visits with you. ❤

This is such a weird journey, much different than I expected. My body is changing even more now. My fingernails are grossly discolored but I'm afraid to paint them and not see the progression. I have "stains" on the palms off my hands and soles of my feet. My skin is dry and itchy. My scars on my chest are healed on the outside but the tightness feels like I'm wearing an impossible corset. I'm being thrown into early menopause. Hot flashes and all that.  That might also explain my emotional and mental instability, right? Or maybe it's the chemicals coursing through my veins...my brain...every cell of my body. Can I have a time out yet? My sweat feels disgusting...like my pores are weeping slime. My nose feels like it's filled with glue. My eyes are sealed shut when I wake up. Eww...just ewww.

This is weird.
This is hard.
But God is good...all the time.

I have been reminded of that over and over again this week as I'm learning to be thankful in the midst of it all. Thanks for bearing with me and praying.

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