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Thursday, December 22, 2016

1 month later

It's been one month since I had my last chemo treatment. I'm feeling better, feeling my energy slowly return, feeling stronger. And feeling like an emotional basket case half the time too. For the last six months, my mission has been in the physical fight, the doing, of beating this cancer. Then it was time to detox my body from these chemicals and all their effects. The past 2 weeks my emotions and mental state have been a mess. Even those need to detoxify and heal.

I met with a practitioner of eastern medicine (aka, TCM or traditional Chinese medicine). I had high hopes for what he might tell me. I received his protocol a couple days after my consultation with him. So much to process through and look up since I'm not familiar with Chinese herbs. The dietary side of things was no different than what I'd been doing. The supplements were mostly familiar but costly in the quantities he was recommending. The herbs and tinctures were downright EXPENSIVE. While I agree with the direction he's advising, I'm shocked at the total cost of the herbs and supplements. Add in acupuncture and I'm looking at $700-1000/month. (He estimated $200+/month in my appointment so this was a shock to me). No way!!

I feel like I have much of info I need and know how to research for more if I need it. What I was looking for was quantity and monitoring. Is that too much to ask? For instance, if I'm taking turmeric or vit d, I want to know who will tell me how much and how often. Why is this so hard (for me)?

While there are many options available, I wish there was a health...coach...locally that specializes in cancer care. For now, I'll just continue with my integrative oncologist. I'll see her next Thursday to go over the labs she called for yesterday.

What do I do if the stress of the expense is more costly than the alternative? How do I push past that?? 

So...I'm going to do my own thing for the next few weeks. Gently detox my poor body and start increasing my time exercising. And I'm seriously considering how I can afford a warm vacation to rest and rejuvenate my whole self. The question is how to make that happen. I'm open to ideas...

I keep bursting into tears lately over the smallest things. I don't feel well mentally or emotionally. Charlie asked me about it yesterday and I realized that deep down I'm terrified of this cancer coming back. I think if my treatment had looked different, chemo then surgery, that I'd have some reassurance that my treatment was effective...or not. I have nothing. Getting clear margins during surgery meant nothing to me since the cancer had traveled to my lymph nodes. I didn't realize until recently that this is already considered metastatic breast cancer since it left my breast and invaded my lymph nodes. This only adds to my fears. So then chemo but no radiation. I fought the "factory's" fear tactics so hard these last 7 or so months but now I'm feeling it anyway.

I just want to sleep well, drink a smoothie, and go for a walk knowing that it all is enough. I don't want my every thought to be consumed with cancer or food or "numbers" on another test, yet I can't seem to avoid it.

Ugh. Please pray for me.

#stillfighting
#nowhealing

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