Likely

I saw my integrative oncologist today. She ordered labs yesterday. With the pain I'm in again, she was concerned we weren't getting the response hoped for with my current treatment. My increase in pain is *likely* due to cancer cell die-off because it appears to be working after all! Thank you, Jesus! For now my dr says "it looks good on paper" (via my lab results) but there's holes in my bones so she'll still monitor me very closely. She said it's probably too soon to celebrate but I disagree. Small progress is better than none at all. Anyway, just wanted to share some good news for once ❤

Notes

I just want to take a moment to say thank you to those of you that have sent cards and love notes to me and/or my family. God bless you!💕

UPDATE: I'm now 2 months into treatment for Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. The first bone strengthening infusion I had (in Oct) landed me in the ER with the worst pain I've ever experienced. Thankfully my doctor got my insurance to authorize a monthly injection instead so I could avoid a repeat. I had that Monday and have had zero side effects.

My pain is finally under control, praise the Lord! I was also able to get off the pain meds shortly after returning home from our anniversary trip. Thanks to all who prayed for our time away. It was amazing😍

My labs came back this week showing a continued increase in cancer cells. I was hoping to see a better response to treatment but I'll wait and see what my oncologist says about it.

Many folks have contacted me asking how they can help. Our greatest need right now is prayers for healing. And wisdom for what else I should or could be doing. I'm researching other treatment options and it's a bit daunting.
I'm thankful to be able to continue working right now, even with a reduction of hours. Last month I told my family that I wanted to go home to southern California for Christmas. I haven't shared the holidays with my extended family in 15 years. It's happening and I'm so excited about it 🙂 I have over 100 paintings I'll be selling starting next week to help make that possible. I'd appreciate your help spreading the word❤ You can find the details here and share from there: http://bit.ly/SBSVOW18

Chart

This is the chart of the CA 15-3 cancer tumor markers we've been monitoring. The same test that caught the slight change back in August. Do you see how it was steady and flat until early this year when it started to rise? And then it climbed straight up as those cancer cells started multiplying. There's good news! That slight tip to the right means the cell growth is SLOWING. This is exactly what we were hoping to see as my body begins to respond to the Adaptive Therapy initiated almost one month ago. Since the cancer is advanced and not considered curable, the goal is maintain the number of tumor cells below that which causes symptoms. Like I said, this is good news! Just the beginning but it's encouraging to know that we are headed in the right direction.

I'm also happy to report that we seem to have found a tolerable combination of medications to manage my pain. Now that it is better controlled, I am actively looking into natural or less addictive options as I do not like the idea of long term use of morphine. Several of you mentioned some very helpful points on one of my previous posts, so thanks for that.

Absurdity

I'm not typically one to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I'm not even mad about having cancer again. You know gets me though? Being treated like druggie at the pharmacy. I'm paying hundreds of dollars out of pocket for multiple prescriptions while my doctor tries to figure out what works for my pain. It's not like I can return it if it doesn't work! And then I get to pay for a new one. I know the pharmacy techs are just doing their jobs, but seriously... getting "red flagged" at the pharmacy for controlled substances for cancer is absurd.

Cancer is a really expensive drug addiction, if you ask me.

Thanks

Thank you all for your prayers last night and this morning. I did go to church and I did have the elders pray over me and my family. And I am feeling better at the moment, thanks be to God. I'm hopeful this continues, at least until I get into see my doctor tomorrow to figure out what's next.

This was from this morning's message and seemed totally appropriate to share now:
"Blessed be the Lord! For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.'
Psalms 28:6‭-‬7

Below is the verse that immediate follows the one I shared last night. God hears💗and answers.

Blurred

This week is all blurred together. Between the pain and heavy medications I'm on for it and lack of sleep because of it, these last few days don't have much definition. I had treatment Thursday and worked that night. I was fine till around midnight and was experiencing the worst pain of my life. After hours Friday morning in the ER, I was sent home with a new combo of meds we hoped would help. I was walking without a limp and barely needed my cane but I knew it was the drugs not healing. I worked all day Saturday. By the grace of God and very helpful friends and family, I made it through. My body was screaming for my next dose 2 hours before I was supposed to take it. That was 5 hours ago. I'm still in pain. I don't think it made a difference this time. I hurt even in my teeth and my toes. This is what we were afraid of. And right now I just want to sleep.

All I know to do now is PRAY. And ask you to join me. Tomorrow I plan to be in church asking my elders to pray over me.

Emergency Room

I couldn't walk last night. I was in excruciating pain. I was severely shivering and couldn't get warm despite my electric blanket on high. I was scared. I don't think I've ever been in that much pain. My doctor sent me to the ER this morning. She suspects my body didn't tolerate the bone hardening infusion she sent me for yesterday. There was also concern there were new lesions. Xrays thankfully showed nothing new. They've been pumping me full of narcotics to try to get this pain controlled. I'm finally heading home now to rest. Please pray this combo works.

Casting for Recovery

Last weekend, I attended a fly fishing retreat for breast cancer survivors, Casting for Recovery, at Lake Creek Lodge in Camp Sherman, OR. I took my time driving out there, stopping often and finally allowing myself to process the info I'd just received, that once again I was fighting cancer.
I heard that 65 women applied to go to this special getaway but only 14 are selected each year. I'm so thankful to have been a part of this group and spend time sharing with these women. Such a huge blessing😊 The staff and volunteers took such good care of us! Especially my personal river helper 💗 I was in so much pain that last day when we finally went fishing. She made sure I still had a great time, drove me to the water so I didn't have to walk the distance, let me use her walking stick to help me balance in the water. She even paid attention to my special dietary needs and brought me a snack in case I got hungry while we were out there. Such a gift!
It was an emotional weekend for me but the timing could only have been God's.
A huge THANK YOU to each new friend I made there, for making the weekend so very special.

Stick

Me with my new stick.😉

As questions from friends and family come up, I realize that there are others who may have the same questions about my care. For instance, today I was asked if my insurance will cover my medical expenses. Yes and no. I have both a regular "conventional" oncologist and an integrative oncologist. My insurance will cover the conventional doctor and almost all conventional treaments. What are those? Chemo, hormone therapies, radiation, surgery, scans, labs, etc. They only cover SOME of my meds. All of those things affect my overall health and not always in a positive way. My insurance does NOT cover my integrative oncologist nor any alternative therapies or treatments, like hyperbaric oxygen therapy, infrared sauna, supplements, and an abundance of other modalities that have been very helpful in my healing process. It also doesn't cover the countless hours I've spent in doctor's offices instead of running my business or spending time with my family. Just the past month alone, I've spent over $1200 for doctor visits, a cane to help me walk, supplements, and out-of-pocket prescriptions to help my pain be somewhat manageable.
But whatever. I'm thankful to still be running my business and have control over my schedule. I will continue to work as long as I'm able because I truly love my work. It also helps pay these expenses.

That's just one of several questions I've heard lately and I'm happy to answer. I'm also extremely thankful to all who have donated to help offset these expenses. THANK YOU💗

Confirmation

1st, I just want to say THANK YOU for your prayers and support. It means the world to me & my guys.
2nd, I saw my integrative oncologist today to go over my biopsy results and next steps. The bone biopsy taken from my pelvis confirms that 1) the cancer is back & 2) it is the same type as before. I started treatment (hormone blockers) last week but now we're upping the dose to bring on a faster response. PLEASE pray for this process. I'm to expect even more pain than I'm currently experiencing but the hope is to bring that "peak" on BEFORE Charlie and I leave for our anniversary trip (not during). She now has me on morphine for the pain. As much as I hate taking both these drugs, I don't see another viable option at this time.
3rd, the questions everyone's thinking but afraid to ask:
Stage 4, what does this mean? It means I'll be "in treatment" for the rest of my life, to slow/control its growth.
It's in my bones but not soft tissue. Is that good or bad? Actually, as painful as it is, it's good. I have a longer life expectancy than if it was in my brain, liver, or lungs.
Speaking of life expectancy, am I going to die? Simply put, yes. We all will someday. The odds of me dying from cancer are now increased but my doctor refuses to put a timeline in place till we see how my body responds to treatment. Typically breast cancer survivors with bone mets can live YEARS with controlled disease. I see this as a welcomed challenge. I'm planning on decades. 😊 3 or 4 sound good.
Last of all, I need to put this out there: We (me and my guys) appreciate the love & concern from all who've walked beside us through this.

Every dime donated goes towards my ongoing health care costs to fight this beast.

Scan

Last week I mentioned that my petscan "lit up". This is what I meant. Aside from my brain, kidneys, and bladder, the rest is cancer. Multiple places in my spine, shoulder, pelvis, top of my femur, and sternum. Not a pink ribbon in sight but I'm still aware of breast cancer. How 'bout you?
Did you know that only 2 - 5% of money for breast cancer research is dedicated toward understanding metastatic breast cancer (Stage IV), or finding solutions to extend the lives of MBC patients? Something's wrong with this picture. (Learn more here: www.metavivor.org)

So remember, I'm asking you to do it differently this year when you see those pink ribbons. Let them be a reminder to:
💗SPREAD THE WORD - If you really want to jump on board the pink ribbon wagon, bring awareness to the people by encouraging self breast exams. Know what to do and how often to do it. Early detection increases your survival rate.
💗SHOW YOUR SUPPORT - If you know someone who has/had breast cancer, reach out, be helpful, donate directly to their ongoing expenses, love them, hug them...gently.
💗PRAY FOR A CURE - If you want to know exactly how to pray for someone affected by breast cancer, whether they have it or are supporting someone with it, finding a cure is of paramount importance. Honor that person's treatment choices and pray for their total and complete healing. Physically, spiritually, emotionally.

TWO YEARS AGO during October, I was in the middle of chemo and I asked you to PRAY every time you saw a pink ribbon. LAST YEAR I asked you to continue praying but to also be mindful of WHERE you show your support. If you're buying something with that cute pink ribbon design on it, make sure you know where your dollars are really going. Don't be afraid to ASK a business! If they are truly supportive, they should have no hesitation in sharing that info. Better yet, GIVE directly. Whether to an organization that is actively and honestly supporting breast cancer research or to the survivors themselves. THIS YEAR, I'm asking that your support and prayers continue. Not just for me, but for all women (and men) fighting this all too common battle.
And for those that have asked, here's my Facebook fundraising account: https://www.facebook.com/donate/279741699532634/
Or PayPal to the same account: https://www.paypal.me/TWCancerFight. Every dime goes to my ongoing health care.
Or via First Interstate Bank.

PINKtober

PINKtober =Breast cancer awareness month
I don't know about you but I am aware of breast cancer. I know all about it, more than I ever wanted to know... Not just in October, but every day, every month, all year long. I don't need a pink ribbon to remind me...nor any other color for that matter. I am aware that there are several different types of breast cancer...over a dozen actually! Each one with a different treatment, and each person responding with a different choice, each choice resulting a different outcome. For every woman that receives a breast cancer diagnosis, the hope is the same...to beat it, cure it, never have to worry about it again. So with all the pink ribbon campaigns you'll encounter this month, with all the countless donations and contributions made toward "the cause", you would think we're making progress toward curing breast cancer. But instead, the numbers continue to grow each year. The women diagnosed (and men too) are younger and younger.
But let's be AWARE, right? Spread the word, show your support, pray for a cure. Only this time, do it differently:
SPREAD THE WORD - If you really want to jump on board the pink ribbon wagon, bring awareness to the people by encouraging self breast exams. Know what to do and how often to do it. Early detection increases your survival rate.
SHOW YOUR SUPPORT - If you know someone who has/had breast cancer, reach out, be helpful, donate directly to their ongoing expenses, love them, hug them...gently.
PRAY FOR A CURE - If you want to know exactly how to pray for someone affected by breast cancer, whether they have it or are supporting someone with it, finding a cure is of paramount importance. Honor that person's treatment choices and pray for their total and complete healing. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. (Originally posted by me 10/01/17 with permission to share as you feel led.)

TWO YEARS AGO during October, I was in the middle of chemo and I asked you to PRAY every time you saw a pink ribbon. LAST YEAR I asked you to continue praying but to also be mindful of WHERE you show your support. If you're buying something with that cute pink ribbon design on it, make sure you know where your dollars are really going. Don't be afraid to ASK a business! If they are truly supportive, they should have no hesitation in sharing that info. Better yet, GIVE directly. Whether to an organization that is actively and honestly supporting breast cancer research or to the survivors themselves. THIS YEAR, I'm asking that your support and prayers continue. Not just for me, but for all women (and men) fighting this all too common battle.

Here we go again

I've rewritten this in my head many times the last few weeks. There's really no better way to say it.
After spending this year struggling with one major pain or infection after another, I knew my body was fighting "something". I have trouble walking, standing, sitting, and sleeping due to the intensity of the pain. Every exam, every lab test, every scan has failed to show anything that explains my impaired immune system. That is, until I noticed a slight change in my labs atthe end of Aug. My tumor markers were steady for 2 years, between 11-13, with no change (and the following tumor cell tests continue to be zeros) and now they were 36. My doctor sent me in again to recheck those numbers. 62. She had me fasting for 7 days, water only, to starve and weaken those stubborn cells and reset my metabolism. 82. I asked for a PET scan, knowing my insurance denied coverage last time. This time they approved it. My scan lit up.
I knew I was at high risk for breast cancer recurrence. I was diagnosed with Stage IIB, grade 3 breast cancer May 2016. (The staging has to do with the size of my tumor and it spreading to my lymph nodes.) Grade 3 means the cells were larger and fast growing. Aggressive.
I now am Stage IV, metastatic breast cancer. The breast cancer cells woke up and spread to my bones. I had a bone biopsy taken from my back/hip yesterday. I started meds yesterday too. I'll be in some form of treatment for the rest of my life. (Remember not too long ago when my oncologist said NO CANCER? And those suspicious spots on my pelvis??)
And I am at peace with it all. I will fight this and do all I can to heal but God already knows my future and I rest in knowing his plans are good.
Your prayers are always appreciated.

I was thinking this morning about how we're heading into October, well known for its pink ribbon campaign for breast cancer awareness. I've never been more aware of it than now, have you?

I'm leaving in a few minutes to drive out to the Metolius River, about an hour north of Bend. I was invited to attend a breast cancer survivor fly fishing retreat and I'm looking forward to some quiet time by the river.

Please pray for my family. Once was hard enough. It hasn't even been 2 years since I finished treatment and here we go again. 

Still Choosing Joy

Yesterday marked 2 years since I received confirmation of cancer's presence in my body. 2 years since we were asked to walk through a trial unimaginable. Despite all that has happened, the physical, mental, and spiritual battle that ensued, I'm still choosing joy.

I wish I could say that that is all behind me, but I'm learning to accept that to some degree cancer and it's effects will always be present in my life. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. I've met some incredible people, grown closer to my husband, and more importantly, God has grown my faith as he has walked me through this valley.

Last month I called on my prayer warriors again. Not long after I announced and celebrated that my integrative oncologist had released me from my every-three-months check ups to every 6 months, she sent me for an MRI to investigate some severe unexplained pain in my lower back. I had been seeing a chiropractor but things were getting worse instead of better and my onc was concerned since there had been no injury. "We're not taking chances with you. Since you're not on hormone blockers, we will continue monitoring you very carefully." I had an MRI on April 2nd. They saw a "concerning spot" on my pelvic bone (ischium). They compared that to the CT scan I had in Jan, 3 months earlier, and saw growth. The resulting summary reads "a small probable metastases" but my oncologist said it's possible that the radiologist chose that vocabulary after seeing my history of cancer on my chart. I hope so. 4 days later I had a CT scan of my pelvic region and in addition to the spot on my bone, a cyst was found on my right ovary. More tests were done to see if the cyst was affecting my hormones, a concern since the breast cancer I had was hormone receptor positive (both estrogen and progesterone). I have only been taking natural supplements and dietary changes to control my estrogen production but my body is acting like it's in menopause. For the time being, the cyst is the least of our concerns. Instead, I'm in the process of "proving" I don't have cancer again. This is very much like being "innocent until proven guilt", or vice versa. More about that to come...

In the midst of all these appointments, I woke up with a strange squeezing sensation in my chest. I'm 6 months out from my reconstructive surgery and it felt like my right implant was twisted. After having my plastic surgeon check it, I was devastated to find out that I will have to have surgery to correct it. I have capsular contracture and it's very uncomfortable. At this point, I am scheduled for corrective surgery on June 26th when my doctor will remove my implant, clear out the scar tissue, and put in a new implant. Since that appointment, I have reason to believe it is beginning in my left side as well. I am hesitant to undergo another surgery, especially when it is possible this will happen again. There is an alternative option that was my first choice 2 years ago, but due to the long recovery time (3-4 months) I opted out. I am reconsidering that option again but it would likely mean closing my art studio and I'm not sure I want to do that.

All of this has come up in the last month. I am choosing to wait til after Ryan's graduation later this month to do anything else. I do not want to take away from celebrating his accomplishment. My oncologist says this will not change my prognosis. She had a radiologist go over my scans last week and they believe that either the spot on my hipbone is either a "treated tumor" (that we didn't catch before and chemo affected it) or it's a new cancer but dormant or slow growing due to my wellness protocol. Both of these possibilities make sense since I've been tested every 3 months and consistently showing "zero" circulating tumor cells (via CTC test). I realize that this test is only accurate to a point and will only show an increase once it reaches a traceable amount (think "parts per million" in contaminated water for comparison).

What's next?
I will have another CTC test this week, a month earlier than normal. I am continuing with my wellness protocol and reevaluating my work schedule to cut hours and reduce stress. My oncologist was originally saying that a bone biopsy was needed to confirm if cancer was present, but after reviewing my charts with a few colleagues, she does not recommend the biopsy at this time. (Due to the location of the spot in question, it would mean piercing my hamstring to get to it and has a much longer recovery time. She feels it is more important for me to keep moving, part of my wellness protocol, and manage my pain as best as I can. I will wait til July to go in for a CT scan to check for growth and deciding what needs to happen next.

Prayer request
I have no hesitation in praying for total and complete healing in all three of these issues. I ask that you join me in prayer, for the pain in my back to go away and the spot to complete disappear, for the scarring and pain in my chest to heal and not need surgery, and health to continue to improve. I am also praying for how to best go forward with my business. The studio is thriving, way better than I anticipated this soon, but I am exhausted from doing it alone. I have a few ideas in mind but I'm praying for God's direction and wisdom for how to proceed.

Thank you all for your prayers.
love,
Tika

I painted this on May 5, 2016,
the day I found out I had cancer.

Skipper

Tomorrow!!
In exactly 12 hours I go in for yet another surgery. This time I get these super uncomfortable expanders out and my squishy implants in. New FOOBS for this girl!!

Yes, I'm excited.

I'm only a tiny bit nervous.

Prayers are always appreciated💙

And here's a little humor for your trouble😉 (just don't call me Skipper!)

Metamorphosis

met·a·mor·pho·sis
ˌmedəˈmôrfəsəs/
noun

...the process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages...

...a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means...

I couldn't have found a more appropriate word to describe this reconstruction process. I felt like cancer and its standardized "treatments" left me in shambles. The wreckage gave light to why so many refer to this as a battlefield and I, a warrior. I felt broken, maimed, mutilated, empty, and lost. I felt like a shell of my old self. I desperately needed God to transform my shattered pieces into something beautiful again. Whole. Feminine. Restored.

I put on a good mask in public...

I'm quickly approaching the anniversary of my last chemo treatment. I've had much work to do to clean up the mess it caused. Detoxing my physical body was only part of it. I needed to rid my heart from past hurts, my mind from the lies I'd allowed to take up space in my head. The healing has been slow and painful, but good. Oh, so good!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17

My Creator is in control here. I'm looking forward to my new form.

[A very special thank you to Bella Joi photography for capturing my vision and bringing it to life.]

Reconstruction

4 months ago I went in for surgery to begin the process of restoring some semblance of my pre-cancer body. I haven't posted an update since because...well, it's been hard to put into words the myriad of emotions I've experienced along the way. It has also been a more delicate subject to share publicly, this rebuilding of my breasts. I go in next week to complete the process (God willing!) and I figure it's time to fill in the gaps.

In June of 2016, I underwent a bilateral mastectomy, more commonly known as a double mastectomy. Even though the cancer was only in my right breast (and one lymph node), it was an "easy decision" to have both removed. At that time I opted to delay reconstruction to allow my body to heal from surgery and chemo before putting more stress on my already impaired body.

I was left with scars from armpit to armpit, scattered along my ribs from blistering caused by an allergic reaction to the surgical tape, plus more scars from those horrid drains. I also had "dog ears", weird looking tissue under my armpits that look weird in my clothing and are uncomfortable when exercising. I call those my armpit boobs because...they are.

One year later, I went in for yet another surgery to have tissue expanders placed underneath my pectoral muscles. This is my surgeon's "game plan", marking where he would go in, where my new incisions would be (he used the same scar lines), and that little circle on the right was a suspicious lump that appeared. 

It was removed and sent to pathology and was thankfully just funky scar tissue and not more cancer. More drains, more scars, more healing.

 Giving myself injections to avoid blood clots, measuring fluid output from the drains, nausea. It's sad how familiar this has all become. 

Alloderm, was sewn in to hold the expander in place, creating a bit of a hammock.

Expanders look like fancy whoopy cushions. This is the sample expander my nurse showed me and my mom, my constant companion to these appointments ♥ The ones I have have 3 of those little tabs, each to hold the expander in place with a few uncomfortable stitches. 

Each expander has a magnetic port so they don't puncture the wrong spot. That would be bad!

Each week I would go in for fills. 50ccs of saline in each side until the desired size was reached. That funny looking device in the upper right hand corner reminds me of some type of navigation tool. I guess in a way it is. It has a magnet in it to locate the port in the expanders.

I'm sure you can imagine the discomfort (that word really doesn't have much weight to it) that these things caused. I have rock-hard boulders stitched under my pecs. I can't sleep comfortably on my side or my back and have been on muscle relaxers and pain meds throughout the process. I can't wait to be done. Next Tuesday, October 24th, I will go in for my "exchange". My plastic surgeon will swap the expanders for implants. I'm told they will be much more comfortable than the expanders and I should heal quickly.

There's more to share but that's for another day❤

PRAYER REQUESTS
I got sick this weekend. My first cold in over a year and a half, but it's a doozy. Please pray that I will be well again soon and nothing will delay my surgery date.
Also, my medical donation fund set up last year has allowed me to continue with treatments, self care, and medical expenses but is now less than $200. I see my integrative oncologist this week and that will leave me with very little left and that is causing me no small amount of stress. I'm not even sure how to ask you to pray here, but I trust God has a plan for this.

2 days post op

This morning was my first time waking up at home. I slept through the night, which is both good and bad. Good because I need the rest to heal. Bad because it means I didn't take any pain meds for almost 10 hours. I was in so much pain just trying to sit up I thought I'd either throw up or pass out from the pain. No bueno. I'm thankful my boys were here to help me get a quick bite to eat so I could take my meds. It's taking about 45 mins for them to kick in. Ugh...

Feeling better now but planning to try and stay ahead of the pain going forward.  I hate taking meds but right now they're necessary.

My surgery went well. No complications. My surgeon was able to place my expanders and give me my first fills. I'll see him again in 2 weeks to remove my drains. Thankfully the drains aren't bothering me as much as the ones last year from my mastectomy. Awkward and uncomfortable, yes, but not awful.

I'm sending out gentle hugs to all my loving helpers these last few days. You know who you are 💜 Thank you! Whether it was to deliver a meal or just a quick visit, we appreciate it. The more I can rest the faster I'll heal.

While prayers for my healing are appreciated, please continue to keep our family (especially Charlie, his sister Angie, and stepdad Ray) in your prayers as we each find our way through the grief of losing his mom less than 2 weeks ago. Thank you❤

Showtime

8:30 am UPDATE: All is well. Got a little rest and they finally figured out a pain med that seems to be working without making me ill.  I'm going home in a couple hours. Thanks for covering me in prayer💜

Night owls, please pray. It's been over 12 hours since I got out of surgery and I haven't slept. I got 2 hours Monday night. I have a very LOUD roommate that is coughing and puking. I can hear her through ear plugs. The thought of me getting sick when I'm in so much pain already is no good.  I'm wearing a mask but claustrophobia sucks and so do hot flashes. So far nothing they've given me has touched the pain. Please pray. They tell me there are no empty rooms. I just want to go home.

Rearview mirror

One year ago today, I went in for a life-changing, life-saving surgery to remove the cancer invading my body. I am still sorting through the long-lasting effects, even now as I'm preparing for another surgery to rebuild what was destroyed.

Not long after my double mastectomy last year, I had a doctor tell me "I know this is hard right now, but a year from now you'll look back and see that this is all behind you." The timing was perfect. It was just what I needed to hear then to carry me through the months to come. I looked forward to this day, looking in my rearview mirror to see that cancer was far behind me...only it's not.

I'll be honest (because what's the point of lying?) I'm struggling lately. When I stopped chemo last November, I was hopeful to enjoy and celebrate the holidays with my family. They too have been through so much. But it flew by with more doctor appointments and catching up on everything that had been put on hold. Everything but them. I was hopeful for a family getaway to rest and recuperate, to spend time together, to celebrate the end of the hardest days of my life (their lives too), but that has been put on hold too. We went from one hardship right into another. My inlaws both are fighting cancer right now. Both were diagnosed just as I finished treatment. My mother-in-law is close to her Homecoming. Soon she will be face to face with Jesus. How pathetic that I'm a little jealous. No more suffering. It's so not fair! No more sickness and pain. I hate cancer. I'm so happy for her. She will be missed but she will be remembered and loved always.

I said I was struggling. That may be an understatement. I need your prayers, my friends. I should be celebrating today but instead I'm in tears. This dark cloud that has moved in again is not welcome here but I'm helpless to change it. I pray and I know God hears my prayers. I just wish I could hear his response...

Some days it's a lot easier to choose joy. I *want* to choose joy! I want off this stupid rollercoaster of emotions and hardship. I have much to be thankful for. I also have much that weighs heavily on my heart. God tells us (repeatedly) to be strong and courageous. He also tells us not to be anxious. I feel weak and afraid, worried, disobedient. I feel like I've failed.

I planned to have a party next weekend to celebrate my year of being cancer free. As much as I want to do that, I'm not sure it's a *need* that God is providing for. I go in for reconstructive surgery at the end of this month and will not be able to work for a couple weeks. I had planned accordingly with my schedule at my art studio, scheduled extra classes and events to help cover the weeks I won't be working. I'm starting to wonder if that too is a *want* rather than a need. Business is so slow...I truly don't know how I'll be able to keep my doors open if I go through with my surgery. Please pray. God is so confusing sometimes yet I know he loves me. I just don't understand what he wants me to do next. Who am I to doubt his plans when I *know* they are good? Who am I to question God?

How do you climb out of a dark pit of despair when so much is out of your control??