Comfort and Joy

God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy

I'm not normally prone to tears but lately I find myself weeping all the time, both in joy and sorrow. The frustration of facing cancer again is too much. So many decisions, so many appointments, so many uncertainties. I just want to stop time and take in the season, remembering and honoring Jesus, the reason for the season.

Nothing revitalizes your prayer time like a crisis. Sometimes it sure feels like my family got the shortest straw, but then I remember that each of these trials has brought us closer to God and to each other. The blessings far outweigh the hardship. And so I pray. And pray and pray and pray.

"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10

The stillness, the silence is sometimes like an abyss. It seems like emptiness and yet is deafening. But I wait on the Lord knowing he will answer in his time. I will follow wherever he leads me. It's in the stillness that I find my comfort and joy.

I've learned to welcome the quiet. I awoke at 3 am today. Silence. I turn on the lights on my yet undecorated Christmas tree. I'm reminded that HE, Jesus, is the Light of the world, my world, and my eyes shift upward. I know where my help comes from. So I pray again.

After much prayer, family discussions, and research, both independently and with my doctor, I've come to the conclusion that Mexico is not in my future. At least not at this time. I don't actually know what's next but God does and I trust his good plans for me. Little by little, I'm being directed a similar route but one that'll allow me to be home with my family. Priorities. The money that has been raised on my behalf will allow me to pursue treatment here at home as well as seek a second opinion for my care. Other than that, I don't know... My desire is to have the very best "medicine" available, whether that be through conventional means or alternative. This integrative approach requires a lot my insurance won't cover, yet it gives me hope for healing my body rather than just treating symptoms.

Two weeks ago, my oncologist referred me for radiation. They are having trouble fitting me into their schedule. She's sending me in for labs this morning to check my tumor marker count again. The pain I'm in right now, she feels my treatment might not be working as well as we'd hoped. The side effects are making me miserable and the cold weather is just adding to my bone pain. I'm thankful to be traveling home to southern California for Christmas to spend it with my family for the first time in 15 years. I'm hopeful to get my pain under control before we leave.

I will continue to update as I have more to share. For now, I'm needing to take a step back from distractions so I can focus on my family and my health.

As always, your prayers and support are vital and greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Pictured: my little puppy girl knows when I'm not feeling well and she snuggles in to bring unselfish comfort in the only way she knows how.