Pandemonium

pan·de·mo·ni·um

/ˌpandəˈmōnēəm/

noun
noun: pandemonium

wild and noisy disorder or confusion; uproar.

This perfectly describes where I'm at right now.  I long for peace and silence, order and certainty; calm.

I stopped sharing on this blog because I desperately wanted to have my life return to normal. I was done with treatment and restoring health to my body following chemo and surgeries. I didn't want to be a breast cancer poster child any more. I wanted to move on.

Clearly that wasn't to be. I don't always do it well but I try. I shared a post earlier this week that caused mixed reactions from my loved ones. Chaos ensued. Part of me wishes I'd never shared. The other part is glad I did. Allow me to explain. 

When I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago, I opted to go an integrative route for treatment. I had surgery and modified chemo but combined that with several holistic modalities that I felt important and were supported by my integrative oncologist. Prior to this, it had been close to 10 years that I didn't take even tylenol for a headache. I'd experienced multiple allergic reactions and chemical sensitivities, as well as chronic pain associated with fibromyalgia. I went to great lengths to avoid unnecessary toxins and had seen true healing take place. My cancer diagnosis came when I was at my healthiest. Agreeing to do chemo went against EVERYTHING I knew to be true for me. But I prayed and prayed and felt it was the right thing to do. So I did. 

The last 2 years have been spent working hard to rebuild my health, detox my body, heal, and move forward. Finding out in September that the cancer had metastasized to my bones was devastating but I felt peace about it. I no longer had to worry or wonder if and when it would come back. Treatment started right away but it meant taking drugs that I was not okay with. Again. The side effects SUCK and the risks are dangerous. The alternative treaments I'd looked into before were revisited. Endless prayers and research led me back to a clinic in Tijuana. What drew me in was their focus on healing the whole body, not just slowing the cancer growth. That's all my oncologists can do, slow it and make me comfortable. But for how long? These drugs are notorious for working for a while and then stopping. This treatment center focuses on nontoxic treatments and correcting nutritional deficiencies, etc. These things are all in line with my personal philosophies on health and wellness. I realize that this avenue of care does not resonate with everyone. Yet I had no clue the response I'd get from a few loved ones bold enough to speak their concerns. I do appreciate the love and concern expressed. I do love you and am thankful for your concerns. I don't feel obligated to win you over to my way of thinking. I don't expect you to understand why I feel God is leading me that direction. I need your love and encouragement right now though. You can't possibly imagine what is going on in my brain and my heart right now as my own emotions and uncertainties circulate with your doubts and fears.

I met with my integrative oncologist yesterday. She was under the impression my other oncologist was monitoring me closely. She didn't know she'd basically washed her hands of me. She reassured me that won't happen again. She'll be seeing me regularly. We went over both my PET scan from September and the CT scan from my ER visit last weekend. The ER doctor that was dismayed to tell me the cancer had spread even more was partial wrong. The cancer in my ribs and humerus are NOT new. It was there 2 months ago but is now more pronounced. She said the pain should be minimal by now so she's sending me to a radiation oncologist. They're hoping to target the most painful areas, my pelvis and neck, to zap the cancer and relieve the pain. She also is checking my tumor markers again to see if they're still rising. If they are, we'll know that the current treatment is ineffective. We talked about clinical studies. The ones she feels are the best options for me are ones I don't (yet) qualify for. We discussed other treatment options. She will support whatever I decide to do. We discussed the clinic in Mexico. She's been there and to others like it. She does not feel that it's the best place for the type of cancer I have. For others, yes. Very effective. For me, not really. She said I have an aggressive cancer that needs to be met with aggressive treatment in a timely manner. I loathe the urgency to make a decision that needs more time to consider. So, I continue on. I take the drugs. I see the doc for radiation. I keep searching and praying. I don't know if God would have me go to the clinic in Mexico. I do know that every bone in my tired body is against the toxic meds I'm taking. My hair is thinning. My skin is peeling. My gut is in turmoil. My teeth and jaw ache. My neck and head hurt constantly. My pelvic pain has me gasping in pain. Is it any wonder I'm searching high and low for help? 

So, my loved ones, I'm sorry for the pandemonium I caused this week but I make no apologies for the choices I've made and the methods I use to come to those decisions. If you've made a financial contribution to my care that you regret, please let me know immediately so it can be returned. Every dime will go towards my healing and care but at this point I cannot say for certain what that will look like. My intention is to be a good steward of all that I'm given, whether it be time, my body, or funds. God knows my heart and it is Him that I must honor in all things. My hope is in Him alone. 

Pictured: That's my medical file. Pathology reports, labs, scans, notes, and so on. Everything my integrative oncologist has on me. Do you see that invoice next to it? Another $500 "Paid in Full" thanks to your generosity. THANK YOU❤