1.6.2017

1.6.2017 - goofy puzzles with my goofy man (with help from our goofy son) equals our strangest stay-at-home date night ever.

1.5.2017

1.5.2017 - I find such pleasure in taking something from God's beautiful creation, like this little bird, and creating a painting from it to share with others. A gift to be shared is the best gift of all.

1.4.2017

1.4.2017 - Nothing brings me back that childlike joy like SNOW ❄ And we got more the last few days than this area has seen in a hundred years! I'm so happy to spend this beautiful morning walking around the neighborhood, playing, laughing with my son.  (He was the only one willing to make snow angels with me!) He didn't challenge me to a snowball fight. I'm a sore loser when it comes to things like that 😉

1.3.2017

1.3.2017 - It has been 216 days, or 7 months and 2 days, since the last time I was able to get in the pool. A week and a half before my bilateral mastectomy. I have missed my twice weekly aqua zumba class immensely but my doctor didn't want me in a public pool while on chemo. [Photo: The other day, I realized that a "normal" swimsuit would not do. I am thankful for my sewing skills to alter 2 swim tops into one that would work.] Today was the day!! Despite the snow, I went to swim, dance, and get hugs from the teacher. The locker room afterward required a huge amount of courage. All was fine until I sat to put my shoes on. 2 teen girls burst into the locker room and stopped when then saw me, then continued on. Then I hear this, clear as day-
Girl 1: "I thought about shaving my head once, but it's too ugly. I would never do THAT."
Girl 2: "Yeah, I would have shaved mine too if it wasn't so long now. Long hair is pretty. Buzzes on girls is ugly."
You're right, girls. Long hair is pretty. Short hair can be too. But neither will hide the ugliness of your rudeness.
Me, directly to them: "Don't be rude, girls. Battling cancer doesn't leave room for shallowness or vanity."

1.2.2017

1.2.2017 - As much as I think selfies are silly, they've allowed me to document and record all the physical changes I've gone through this past year. Like my hair growing back. And eyelashes. Hallelujah 🎉

1.1.2017

1.1.2017 I love watching these guys play in the little bit of snow we got to start the new year. (And Zelda fetching snowballs 😉)

1 month later

It's been one month since I had my last chemo treatment. I'm feeling better, feeling my energy slowly return, feeling stronger. And feeling like an emotional basket case half the time too. For the last six months, my mission has been in the physical fight, the doing, of beating this cancer. Then it was time to detox my body from these chemicals and all their effects. The past 2 weeks my emotions and mental state have been a mess. Even those need to detoxify and heal.

I met with a practitioner of eastern medicine (aka, TCM or traditional Chinese medicine). I had high hopes for what he might tell me. I received his protocol a couple days after my consultation with him. So much to process through and look up since I'm not familiar with Chinese herbs. The dietary side of things was no different than what I'd been doing. The supplements were mostly familiar but costly in the quantities he was recommending. The herbs and tinctures were downright EXPENSIVE. While I agree with the direction he's advising, I'm shocked at the total cost of the herbs and supplements. Add in acupuncture and I'm looking at $700-1000/month. (He estimated $200+/month in my appointment so this was a shock to me). No way!!

I feel like I have much of info I need and know how to research for more if I need it. What I was looking for was quantity and monitoring. Is that too much to ask? For instance, if I'm taking turmeric or vit d, I want to know who will tell me how much and how often. Why is this so hard (for me)?

While there are many options available, I wish there was a health...coach...locally that specializes in cancer care. For now, I'll just continue with my integrative oncologist. I'll see her next Thursday to go over the labs she called for yesterday.

What do I do if the stress of the expense is more costly than the alternative? How do I push past that?? 

So...I'm going to do my own thing for the next few weeks. Gently detox my poor body and start increasing my time exercising. And I'm seriously considering how I can afford a warm vacation to rest and rejuvenate my whole self. The question is how to make that happen. I'm open to ideas...

I keep bursting into tears lately over the smallest things. I don't feel well mentally or emotionally. Charlie asked me about it yesterday and I realized that deep down I'm terrified of this cancer coming back. I think if my treatment had looked different, chemo then surgery, that I'd have some reassurance that my treatment was effective...or not. I have nothing. Getting clear margins during surgery meant nothing to me since the cancer had traveled to my lymph nodes. I didn't realize until recently that this is already considered metastatic breast cancer since it left my breast and invaded my lymph nodes. This only adds to my fears. So then chemo but no radiation. I fought the "factory's" fear tactics so hard these last 7 or so months but now I'm feeling it anyway.

I just want to sleep well, drink a smoothie, and go for a walk knowing that it all is enough. I don't want my every thought to be consumed with cancer or food or "numbers" on another test, yet I can't seem to avoid it.

Ugh. Please pray for me.

#stillfighting
#nowhealing