Tomorrow!!
In exactly 12 hours I go in for yet another surgery. This time I get these super uncomfortable expanders out and my squishy implants in. New FOOBS for this girl!!
Yes, I'm excited.
I'm only a tiny bit nervous.
Prayers are always appreciated💙
And here's a little humor for your trouble😉 (just don't call me Skipper!)
met·a·mor·pho·sis
ˌmedəˈmôrfəsəs/
noun
...the process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages...
...a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means...
I couldn't have found a more appropriate word to describe this reconstruction process. I felt like cancer and its standardized "treatments" left me in shambles. The wreckage gave light to why so many refer to this as a battlefield and I, a warrior. I felt broken, maimed, mutilated, empty, and lost. I felt like a shell of my old self. I desperately needed God to transform my shattered pieces into something beautiful again. Whole. Feminine. Restored.
I put on a good mask in public...
I'm quickly approaching the anniversary of my last chemo treatment. I've had much work to do to clean up the mess it caused. Detoxing my physical body was only part of it. I needed to rid my heart from past hurts, my mind from the lies I'd allowed to take up space in my head. The healing has been slow and painful, but good. Oh, so good!
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17
My Creator is in control here. I'm looking forward to my new form.
[A very special thank you to Bella Joi photography for capturing my vision and bringing it to life.]
4 months ago I went in for surgery to begin the process of restoring some semblance of my pre-cancer body. I haven't posted an update since because...well, it's been hard to put into words the myriad of emotions I've experienced along the way. It has also been a more delicate subject to share publicly, this rebuilding of my breasts. I go in next week to complete the process (God willing!) and I figure it's time to fill in the gaps.
In June of 2016, I underwent a bilateral mastectomy, more commonly known as a double mastectomy. Even though the cancer was only in my right breast (and one lymph node), it was an "easy decision" to have both removed. At that time I opted to delay reconstruction to allow my body to heal from surgery and chemo before putting more stress on my already impaired body.
I was left with scars from armpit to armpit, scattered along my ribs from blistering caused by an allergic reaction to the surgical tape, plus more scars from those horrid drains. I also had "dog ears", weird looking tissue under my armpits that look weird in my clothing and are uncomfortable when exercising. I call those my armpit boobs because...they are.
One year later, I went in for yet another surgery to have tissue expanders placed underneath my pectoral muscles. This is my surgeon's "game plan", marking where he would go in, where my new incisions would be (he used the same scar lines), and that little circle on the right was a suspicious lump that appeared.
It was removed and sent to pathology and was thankfully just funky scar tissue and not more cancer. More drains, more scars, more healing.
Giving myself injections to avoid blood clots, measuring fluid output from the drains, nausea. It's sad how familiar this has all become.
Alloderm, was sewn in to hold the expander in place, creating a bit of a hammock.
Expanders look like fancy whoopy cushions. This is the sample expander my nurse showed me and my mom, my constant companion to these appointments ♥ The ones I have have 3 of those little tabs, each to hold the expander in place with a few uncomfortable stitches.
Each expander has a magnetic port so they don't puncture the wrong spot. That would be bad!
Each week I would go in for fills. 50ccs of saline in each side until the desired size was reached. That funny looking device in the upper right hand corner reminds me of some type of navigation tool. I guess in a way it is. It has a magnet in it to locate the port in the expanders.
I'm sure you can imagine the discomfort (that word really doesn't have much weight to it) that these things caused. I have rock-hard boulders stitched under my pecs. I can't sleep comfortably on my side or my back and have been on muscle relaxers and pain meds throughout the process. I can't wait to be done. Next Tuesday, October 24th, I will go in for my "exchange". My plastic surgeon will swap the expanders for implants. I'm told they will be much more comfortable than the expanders and I should heal quickly.
There's more to share but that's for another day❤
PRAYER REQUESTS
I got sick this weekend. My first cold in over a year and a half, but it's a doozy. Please pray that I will be well again soon and nothing will delay my surgery date.
Also, my medical donation fund set up last year has allowed me to continue with treatments, self care, and medical expenses but is now less than $200. I see my integrative oncologist this week and that will leave me with very little left and that is causing me no small amount of stress. I'm not even sure how to ask you to pray here, but I trust God has a plan for this.
This morning was my first time waking up at home. I slept through the night, which is both good and bad. Good because I need the rest to heal. Bad because it means I didn't take any pain meds for almost 10 hours. I was in so much pain just trying to sit up I thought I'd either throw up or pass out from the pain. No bueno. I'm thankful my boys were here to help me get a quick bite to eat so I could take my meds. It's taking about 45 mins for them to kick in. Ugh...
Feeling better now but planning to try and stay ahead of the pain going forward. I hate taking meds but right now they're necessary.
My surgery went well. No complications. My surgeon was able to place my expanders and give me my first fills. I'll see him again in 2 weeks to remove my drains. Thankfully the drains aren't bothering me as much as the ones last year from my mastectomy. Awkward and uncomfortable, yes, but not awful.
I'm sending out gentle hugs to all my loving helpers these last few days. You know who you are 💜 Thank you! Whether it was to deliver a meal or just a quick visit, we appreciate it. The more I can rest the faster I'll heal.
While prayers for my healing are appreciated, please continue to keep our family (especially Charlie, his sister Angie, and stepdad Ray) in your prayers as we each find our way through the grief of losing his mom less than 2 weeks ago. Thank you❤
8:30 am UPDATE: All is well. Got a little rest and they finally figured out a pain med that seems to be working without making me ill. I'm going home in a couple hours. Thanks for covering me in prayer💜
Night owls, please pray. It's been over 12 hours since I got out of surgery and I haven't slept. I got 2 hours Monday night. I have a very LOUD roommate that is coughing and puking. I can hear her through ear plugs. The thought of me getting sick when I'm in so much pain already is no good. I'm wearing a mask but claustrophobia sucks and so do hot flashes. So far nothing they've given me has touched the pain. Please pray. They tell me there are no empty rooms. I just want to go home.
One year ago today, I went in for a life-changing, life-saving surgery to remove the cancer invading my body. I am still sorting through the long-lasting effects, even now as I'm preparing for another surgery to rebuild what was destroyed.
Not long after my double mastectomy last year, I had a doctor tell me "I know this is hard right now, but a year from now you'll look back and see that this is all behind you." The timing was perfect. It was just what I needed to hear then to carry me through the months to come. I looked forward to this day, looking in my rearview mirror to see that cancer was far behind me...only it's not.
I'll be honest (because what's the point of lying?) I'm struggling lately. When I stopped chemo last November, I was hopeful to enjoy and celebrate the holidays with my family. They too have been through so much. But it flew by with more doctor appointments and catching up on everything that had been put on hold. Everything but them. I was hopeful for a family getaway to rest and recuperate, to spend time together, to celebrate the end of the hardest days of my life (their lives too), but that has been put on hold too. We went from one hardship right into another. My inlaws both are fighting cancer right now. Both were diagnosed just as I finished treatment. My mother-in-law is close to her Homecoming. Soon she will be face to face with Jesus. How pathetic that I'm a little jealous. No more suffering. It's so not fair! No more sickness and pain. I hate cancer. I'm so happy for her. She will be missed but she will be remembered and loved always.
I said I was struggling. That may be an understatement. I need your prayers, my friends. I should be celebrating today but instead I'm in tears. This dark cloud that has moved in again is not welcome here but I'm helpless to change it. I pray and I know God hears my prayers. I just wish I could hear his response...
Some days it's a lot easier to choose joy. I *want* to choose joy! I want off this stupid rollercoaster of emotions and hardship. I have much to be thankful for. I also have much that weighs heavily on my heart. God tells us (repeatedly) to be strong and courageous. He also tells us not to be anxious. I feel weak and afraid, worried, disobedient. I feel like I've failed.
I planned to have a party next weekend to celebrate my year of being cancer free. As much as I want to do that, I'm not sure it's a *need* that God is providing for. I go in for reconstructive surgery at the end of this month and will not be able to work for a couple weeks. I had planned accordingly with my schedule at my art studio, scheduled extra classes and events to help cover the weeks I won't be working. I'm starting to wonder if that too is a *want* rather than a need. Business is so slow...I truly don't know how I'll be able to keep my doors open if I go through with my surgery. Please pray. God is so confusing sometimes yet I know he loves me. I just don't understand what he wants me to do next. Who am I to doubt his plans when I *know* they are good? Who am I to question God?
How do you climb out of a dark pit of despair when so much is out of your control??
One year ago today, I sat in the doctor's office with a doctor I'd only met because my regular doctor was unavailable. I sat there with Charlie, waiting to hear the results of my biopsy. The doctor walked in wearing stilettos and I remember thinking how impractical those shoes must be, especially for a doctor. As she started going over my results, her vocabulary made me cringe...trash mouth...I wanted to hand her a bar of soap...but cancer. I have cancer? I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly through all the profanities. Cancer. I wanted to tell her to shut up. Stop saying those words. Stop being unprofessional. Stop talking. Just stop.
I had planned an open studio for that afternoon. Charlie encouraged me to cancel it and go home. I insisted that I needed to be busy. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to think about what the doctor said. I didn't want to have cancer. I wanted to throw up. I needed to scream. I went to paint. No one showed up. I was alone anyway. I painted and I prayed. I covered my hands in paint and smeared it on my canvas. I was scared.
fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
I was not alone. God was with me then and he is with me now. It's been one year since my world was turned upside-down and I am well. I am still choosing JOY. Thanks be to God❤
It's been awhile since I've shared much of anything. There are many reasons for that, none of them I feel necessary to explain, but there is a bit of an update.
Yesterday was my first post-chemo checkup with my oncologist. When I got there, I sat in the parking lot on the verge of tears, feeling like I might throw up. This time was so different...not there for treatment...not there with someone else. Feeling very alone...but determined. We discussed what the last 3.5 months have been like for me, what to do next. She did her sales pitch for tamoxifen again, as I expected, but I'm holding my ground. I have no intention of doing it. I asked for labs again, checking my vitamin D and more, liver function, and hormone levels. We talked about reconstructive surgery too. I'll have another CTC test next month when I see my integrative oncologist. (For those that don't know, the Circulating Tumor Cells test I had in January came back showing 0...ZERO...cancer cells in my body. Praise the Lord!! I've been way out of whack on my diet the last few weeks, but it feels good to be getting back on track again. I want to keep that number at zero! I'm adjusting my supplements too since my body's needs have changed.
I'm exercising 4+ days a week now, and loving it, though in shorter spells on some days since I'm finding myself exhausted and needing more rest. (This daylight savings has been rough!) I'm looking forward to the sunshine though! Did you hear I went skiing?? First time in 19 years, only one run, but I did it. As a result, I'm setting more goals like this for this year.
God has been working on my heart too. Things that previously would have lingered (festered) and brought me down are now put into (proper) perspective. I recently had an...encounter...with a "friend" that left me reeling but then, after much prayer over the matter, freedom. The hurt was real and painful, but I don't have to stay in that place. Healing is happening...
I'm spending several days a week in my studio doing what I love and sharing it with whomever shows up. God is at work there too, bringing in the people HE wants there and that's all I want. I love getting messages from customers telling me how my classes boosted their confidence or helped them to relax. The therapeutic element is evident in many ways and I'm thankful that he's using me to bless others.
If you've read this far, I'm asking that you join me in prayer. In the last 3 months, we've had 3 family members diagnosed with cancer. It's hitting close to home and a little too soon for me but we don't get to choose, do we? Please pray for their healing, for wisdom for both patients and doctors, and for them each to be surrounded by the loving support they're sure to need in the months to come. Thank you!
The following pictures were taken 1 month apart:
Today (mid March)
It's been 2 months since my last chemo infusion. I am asked all the time how I'm feeling. I am well. I mean that. I feel good.
Things that have returned or have been restored: my appetite (woohoo!), my sense of taste, my energy (mostly), my hair (everywhere), my strength, my life, and joy. Joy, like I've never known it before.
It's good to recognize that joy though. Especially since we've experienced so much non-joy recently. Another family member battling cancer, a broken car x2, a broken dryer, a broken water heater. All this in the last few weeks. Good grief! But God is good and we know it will all be okay.
After spending most of last year in one doctor's office after another, I'm so thankful to have a bit of "normal" back in my schedule. I'm more selective on how and where I spend my time and trying not to stretch myself too thin. My integrative oncologist has helped me lay out a plan for this healing year, both what I put in my body (food, environmental, etc) and what I put out (exercise, therapies, etc). I'm already noticing the healing to my brain. Bye bye, chemo brain! I feel like I'm dancing my way through the week- Monday = ballroom dancing lessons, Tuesdays & Thursdays = aqua zumba class, some Fridays we dance again to practice what we learned on Monday. Other Fridays, Nathan and I are walking for miles. This Friday, I just might be found on the mountain for the first time in 19 years. Pray for me! 😂
I'm still homeschooling my boys but this past year has pushed them into further independence. That's not a bad thing though and I'm glad to be back on track with them both.
I'm spending more and more time in my art studio. The transition from being a mobile operation to having a permanent location has taken some adjustment but I have hope that it will turn out well. Don't get me wrong - I love it. It's just different than what I've been doing and will take some getting used to. (Eventually it will bring in a profit, right? Lol) I absolutely love being able to share this venture with others, what has been so healing for me. I've started reserving a seat or two from each class to gift to someone "just because" and that is good for me too.
I have a blood test to go do this week. I've been putting it off because of the cost but I really can't afford not to do it. $700+ to check my blood for circulating tumor cells. This first time will be a baseline test. I'll have to do it again in the spring. I wish my insurance covered it. (The good news is that last week we finally got officially documentation that I have been approved for coverage through a special program.) So many of you have generously supported our family this past year and we sincerely thank you all. If you have it on your heart to help with this upcoming expense, please contact us or visit our donation page here. Each and every dollar makes a huge difference, no matter if it's $5 or $500.
I'm praying blessings and joy over each of you that reads this today 💜 Go hug a loved one...a few seconds longer than normal. Smile at someone you don't know. Do the unexpected just because you can. Say "I love you" often. Call a friend and catch up. Drop by and visit someone you've been meaning to connect with. Count your blessings.
It's been one month since I had my last chemo treatment. I'm feeling better, feeling my energy slowly return, feeling stronger. And feeling like an emotional basket case half the time too. For the last six months, my mission has been in the physical fight, the doing, of beating this cancer. Then it was time to detox my body from these chemicals and all their effects. The past 2 weeks my emotions and mental state have been a mess. Even those need to detoxify and heal.
I met with a practitioner of eastern medicine (aka, TCM or traditional Chinese medicine). I had high hopes for what he might tell me. I received his protocol a couple days after my consultation with him. So much to process through and look up since I'm not familiar with Chinese herbs. The dietary side of things was no different than what I'd been doing. The supplements were mostly familiar but costly in the quantities he was recommending. The herbs and tinctures were downright EXPENSIVE. While I agree with the direction he's advising, I'm shocked at the total cost of the herbs and supplements. Add in acupuncture and I'm looking at $700-1000/month. (He estimated $200+/month in my appointment so this was a shock to me). No way!!
I feel like I have much of info I need and know how to research for more if I need it. What I was looking for was quantity and monitoring. Is that too much to ask? For instance, if I'm taking turmeric or vit d, I want to know who will tell me how much and how often. Why is this so hard (for me)?
While there are many options available, I wish there was a health...coach...locally that specializes in cancer care. For now, I'll just continue with my integrative oncologist. I'll see her next Thursday to go over the labs she called for yesterday.
What do I do if the stress of the expense is more costly than the alternative? How do I push past that??
So...I'm going to do my own thing for the next few weeks. Gently detox my poor body and start increasing my time exercising. And I'm seriously considering how I can afford a warm vacation to rest and rejuvenate my whole self. The question is how to make that happen. I'm open to ideas...
I keep bursting into tears lately over the smallest things. I don't feel well mentally or emotionally. Charlie asked me about it yesterday and I realized that deep down I'm terrified of this cancer coming back. I think if my treatment had looked different, chemo then surgery, that I'd have some reassurance that my treatment was effective...or not. I have nothing. Getting clear margins during surgery meant nothing to me since the cancer had traveled to my lymph nodes. I didn't realize until recently that this is already considered metastatic breast cancer since it left my breast and invaded my lymph nodes. This only adds to my fears. So then chemo but no radiation. I fought the "factory's" fear tactics so hard these last 7 or so months but now I'm feeling it anyway.
I just want to sleep well, drink a smoothie, and go for a walk knowing that it all is enough. I don't want my every thought to be consumed with cancer or food or "numbers" on another test, yet I can't seem to avoid it.
Ugh. Please pray for me.
#stillfighting
#nowhealing
I'm done. Today I'm ringing the bell in the infusion room, marking the end of my chemo treatment. My husband, my boys, and my mom will all join me. And then we're celebrating with friends tonight.
I prayed and prayed throughout the long holiday weekend and finally had peace about what to do next. It was not an easy decision and I wanted to be sure that I was not making an emotional decision...or one of fear.
Monday, I got to see the video the photographer had put together from my photo shoot. It's beautiful...but it's like I'm watching a stranger. Who is that woman?? God is gracious though. Through many of you, he pointed out things I don't often see in myself. Beauty. Strength. Joy. Dignity. Courage. It's all His, not mine! He is generous to give me what I don't deserve. Thank you, Lord. Thank you! I can finally say I'm thankful for my cancer. For every blessing, for every challenge, for every lesson, I am truly thankful. Thank you, Lord, for ALL you have given me through this cancer.
When my face went numb for the fourth time, I knew he'd also given me my answer.
I went in for my appointment yesterday with my medical oncologist. I was fully prepared to tell her that I not going to complete chemo. She beat me to it. She was calling it off. She'd already consulted with my integrative oncologist and they both agreed that the I'd already received the most beneficial doses and with the side effects I was experiencing, I needed to be done. I'm glad we're all in agreement about that. The next steps? Not so much.
Tamoxifen is next. It's an estrogen blocker and I'm not interested in it, though I understand my doctor's recommendation. I'm more concerned about the side effects that'll cause than the benefits it might have. From the National Center for Biotechnology Information: "Tamoxifen increases the chance of cancer of the uterus (womb) in some women taking it. Tamoxifen may cause blockages to form in a vein, lung, or brain. In women, tamoxifen may cause cancer or other problems of the uterus (womb). It also causes liver cancer in rats. In addition, tamoxifen has been reported to cause cataracts and other eye problems." As if that weren't enough, there's also this, "Serious and life-threatening uterine malignancies, stroke, and pulmonary embolism have been associated with tamoxifen use in the risk reduction setting and women at high risk for breast cancer. Some of these adverse events were fatal."
On the other hand: If I take it, my breast cancer might not return...or it might come back anyway. No guarantees. According to my medical oncologist, if my cancer returns it's incurable. She also made it clear that there's no way of knowing if it's gone now other than I show no symptoms of active cancer cells. She has offered both blood tests and scans to check but admits that unless it's growing the tests won't show much. The reality is that my cancer has been gone since June when I had surgery to remove it. Chemo was a preventative measure to reduce the risk of recurrence. I didn't have to do chemo. I chose to do it. I also never felt sick til I started chemo. How backward is that?
So I'm choosing to not take tamoxifen. I've discussed the pros and cons with my husband and sons and they support my decision, even if my doctors don't. I know not everyone will and a few have already expressed their thoughts on it. That's okay. It's not their life or their choice. It's mine. And it belongs to the Lord.
It's not that I plan to do nothing. Far from it. I am just choosing to take the less traveled route. I've got Jesus as my tour guide. How can it go wrong?
I will continue to ask for your prayers and support, whatever that may look like to you. My donation account will remain open since my treatment will be ongoing, though I do not plan to keep asking for donations. I know that God will continue to provide for us according to our needs.
Chemo Day, ROUND 14 - in pictures -
[Update below]
