Patience

Good news
If things had gone the way I'd originally planned, I would have started treatment in Mexico a week ago. Instead I was in the middle of radiation. I opted to stay home and fight this cancer with an integrative approach, stepping up what I'd already been doing and implementing a few new things. One of those things involved regular use of an infrared sauna. I've done this once a week for the last couple years which is fine for "maintenance" but I needed access more frequently with this recurrence in my bones. I bought a sauna for my home with some of the funds raised for my treatment expenses. It arrived the day I would have started treatment in Mexico. Charlie and Nathan assembled it that night and it is getting daily use. I can't do the high temps while healing from radiation but the gentle warmth feels so good to my bones. I'm looking forward to turning up the heat when my doctor gives the thumbs up.

Not so good news

Last Friday, I completed my 10 rounds of radiation. Not much compared to some but I'm still thankful to have it behind me. It will be weeks before we'll know if it was effective in treating my bone pain. Meanwhile, my doctor said to watch for skin changes and other symptoms. Saturday night was the only day I worked last week. That night my groin area turned angry red and tender. Sunday I could barely move without pain flashing through my body. I spent the day wrapped in a warm blanket resting. Monday I started getting intense pain and burning when I pee. These are symptoms I was told to watch for so I called my doctor. I'm sitting at the hospital right now drinking lots of water so they can do a urinalysis to rule out a UTI or other infection.

I am so tired.

Prayer request
My sister is coming to visit this week. A bright spot in my schedule that I'm looking forward to. Our plan was to rearrange and refresh my living room (we just got rid of my recliner- aka, my "sick bed" for surgeries and chemo) but I don't want to overexert myself.  Please pray that I'll get the rest I need for healing.

Winter blessings
6. The arrival of my sauna and the sharing of it with friends and family.
7. Completing radiation.
8. The gift of new chairs from a friend to replace the one that served me well but needed to go.

Celebrate

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15 ESV

This week, this first full week of 2019, has brought our family much cause for celebration. On Monday, following 3 back to back doctor appointments, we celebrated my youngest's 17th birthday. He is such a joy to my family and all who know him. He's not one for big parties so we had a quiet evening with just our little family and his best friend. He requested no cake so I "made" him a tower of donuts instead. 😂
On Tuesday, I got the wonderful news that my tumor marker (CA 15-3) count dropped significantly in the last month. It's almost half what it was the beginning of December. (On the chart pictured, there's a missing peak that put me over 150 but you get the idea.) We can officially say that my current treatment is working!
AND THEN...
On Wednesday, I saw my naturopath to go over my lab results and to weed through my supplements to be sure I'm taking what my body actually needs. He was a bit perplexed when he sat down with me and kept flipping the pages looking confused. When I asked him if everything was okay, he said he thought he had the wrong patient's file. He expected different results considering all I've been through the past couple years but said I've had a "remarkable recovery" from chemo and that across the board my results were "textbook optimal" with only one slight exception (inflammation is up). He wanted to know who'd been advising me and was surprised to find it was from my own research, prayerful consideration, and listening to my body. I've been instructed to continue doing what I'm doing because it's clearly working!

Prayer request: On Monday, I'll start radiation to my right hip and pubic bone to hopefully alleviate the persistent pain there. Please pray for that to be successful and minimal tissue damage. Also, my belly has been upset all week. I'm not sure if it's a bug or something else but I'd really like to have that resolved before Monday. Last of all, please pray for my oldest son who is having to make some tough decisions right now and that we might support him appropriately through these adult-size trials.

And the blessings continue...

Winter Blessings:
#4 Nathan and his birthday donut tower (pictured)
#5 My CA 15-3 tumor marker progress chart (pictured) showing a hefty drop.

New Year, New Hope

This perfectly sums up my thoughts on healing my body:

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2 ESV

For years I have struggled with conforming to the standard of care offered, not just with cancer, but with several autoimmune disorders I've dealt with over the years. When you're looking for healing and wholeness but offered drugs to mask symptoms instead of looking to their cause, you turn to your Creator for direction. You open your mind up to renewal, learn to read your body, to give it what it needs, to allow healing to begin. You research and study, you pray and bring everything before the Lord to determine if it is his good will for you, part of his perfect and acceptable plan. You trust that HIS way is the only way for you to go, even if it doesn't make sense initially. You know that HE sees the bigger picture.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 ESV

As I step into 2019, I'm reminded of this simple measure I've come to rely on and embrace. To seek guidance from The One Who Knows All, to seek his will for me, to trust the outcome he's planned for me even if it's not what I hoped for. My hope is in him alone. My future rests in his loving hands.

Consider this a formal invitation to join me this year, to embrace his goodness, to seek his holy face in the ups and downs of daily life in a sinful world. I can't promise regular posts or even engaging ones, but I will try my best to share openly and honestly, to glorify God in all I say and do.

Despite the hopelessness the world would have me accept as my fate, this is still A Blessed Season. This is my blessed season.

Happy New Year!

Winter Blessings:
#1 Christmas with my family (pictured), a winter blessing to remember for a lifetime and long overdue.
#2 The fog that clings to our valley, hiding what we know is there, but wrapping us in the softness of a touchable cloud.
#3 Hot tea in a special mug to chase away the bone-chilling cold from the inside out.

Nothing new

What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 1:9

Alternating between the illusions of both time standing still and speeding by, I'm learning to dance without really hearing the music. I'm learning to follow His lead, watch for His signal, wait for His voice.

There is nothing new to report. My silence comes from the quiet place where I find refuge under His protective wings. I'm celebrating this season, the hills and valleys, with my friends and family. Some days are brimming with activity. Others insist upon rest.

And yet He whispers my name, beckons...

I had another doctor appointment yesterday that was just part of a regular checkup. "You look great!", says my doctor. "If I didn't have your chart in front of me, I'd never guess you have cancer." Yes. If it wasn't for the pain I'm constantly pushing back, I would think the same thing. My face practices hiding the wincing like a pro. Maybe I should take up acting. I feel like a liar. I'm sorry...

I go in for more lab work tomorrow. My poor vein is building up scar tissue from using the same arm over and over again.  I will see my oncologist again in January. Right now, things look good on paper. We're praying that true healing is happening.

Sometimes an idea forms and I don't know what to do with it, so I pray and consider it from all angles. Then a friend comes along and basically suggests the very same thing, confirming it was worth my time to ponder. When a second friend gives encouragement that echoes that affirmation, it's clearly time for action.

Last month, a friend asked if she could read scripture and pray with me. Not long after, another friend asked if I have prayer warriors committed to lifting me up daily. I know that I do and I am thankful for that. Then she encouraged me to meet regularly with them. Friends, I crave this fellowship with other women, with like-minded believers, but it's been missing in my life for years and now He's calling me out.

Lord, teach me to be like Abraham, Samuel, and Jacob..."Here I am!" And set my feet unto action.

Beginning in January, I will be hosting an informal time of scripture reading and prayer. A weekly "come as you are" hour or so, even if that means pajamas and bedhead. That will likely be me. If you would be interested in joining me, please let me know. It will be at 10 am but I'm not sure which day of the week yet. I'll see who's interested first and when works for most.

Pictured: I finally gave in and applied for a disabled person parking permit. I'm not sure why I waited so long but I'm thankful I have it now.

Likely

I saw my integrative oncologist today. She ordered labs yesterday. With the pain I'm in again, she was concerned we weren't getting the response hoped for with my current treatment. My increase in pain is *likely* due to cancer cell die-off because it appears to be working after all! Thank you, Jesus! For now my dr says "it looks good on paper" (via my lab results) but there's holes in my bones so she'll still monitor me very closely. She said it's probably too soon to celebrate but I disagree. Small progress is better than none at all. Anyway, just wanted to share some good news for once ❤

Comfort and Joy

God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy

I'm not normally prone to tears but lately I find myself weeping all the time, both in joy and sorrow. The frustration of facing cancer again is too much. So many decisions, so many appointments, so many uncertainties. I just want to stop time and take in the season, remembering and honoring Jesus, the reason for the season.

Nothing revitalizes your prayer time like a crisis. Sometimes it sure feels like my family got the shortest straw, but then I remember that each of these trials has brought us closer to God and to each other. The blessings far outweigh the hardship. And so I pray. And pray and pray and pray.

"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10

The stillness, the silence is sometimes like an abyss. It seems like emptiness and yet is deafening. But I wait on the Lord knowing he will answer in his time. I will follow wherever he leads me. It's in the stillness that I find my comfort and joy.

I've learned to welcome the quiet. I awoke at 3 am today. Silence. I turn on the lights on my yet undecorated Christmas tree. I'm reminded that HE, Jesus, is the Light of the world, my world, and my eyes shift upward. I know where my help comes from. So I pray again.

After much prayer, family discussions, and research, both independently and with my doctor, I've come to the conclusion that Mexico is not in my future. At least not at this time. I don't actually know what's next but God does and I trust his good plans for me. Little by little, I'm being directed a similar route but one that'll allow me to be home with my family. Priorities. The money that has been raised on my behalf will allow me to pursue treatment here at home as well as seek a second opinion for my care. Other than that, I don't know... My desire is to have the very best "medicine" available, whether that be through conventional means or alternative. This integrative approach requires a lot my insurance won't cover, yet it gives me hope for healing my body rather than just treating symptoms.

Two weeks ago, my oncologist referred me for radiation. They are having trouble fitting me into their schedule. She's sending me in for labs this morning to check my tumor marker count again. The pain I'm in right now, she feels my treatment might not be working as well as we'd hoped. The side effects are making me miserable and the cold weather is just adding to my bone pain. I'm thankful to be traveling home to southern California for Christmas to spend it with my family for the first time in 15 years. I'm hopeful to get my pain under control before we leave.

I will continue to update as I have more to share. For now, I'm needing to take a step back from distractions so I can focus on my family and my health.

As always, your prayers and support are vital and greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Pictured: my little puppy girl knows when I'm not feeling well and she snuggles in to bring unselfish comfort in the only way she knows how.

Pandemonium

pan·de·mo·ni·um

/ˌpandəˈmōnēəm/

noun
noun: pandemonium

wild and noisy disorder or confusion; uproar.

This perfectly describes where I'm at right now.  I long for peace and silence, order and certainty; calm.

I stopped sharing on this blog because I desperately wanted to have my life return to normal. I was done with treatment and restoring health to my body following chemo and surgeries. I didn't want to be a breast cancer poster child any more. I wanted to move on.

Clearly that wasn't to be. I don't always do it well but I try. I shared a post earlier this week that caused mixed reactions from my loved ones. Chaos ensued. Part of me wishes I'd never shared. The other part is glad I did. Allow me to explain. 

When I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago, I opted to go an integrative route for treatment. I had surgery and modified chemo but combined that with several holistic modalities that I felt important and were supported by my integrative oncologist. Prior to this, it had been close to 10 years that I didn't take even tylenol for a headache. I'd experienced multiple allergic reactions and chemical sensitivities, as well as chronic pain associated with fibromyalgia. I went to great lengths to avoid unnecessary toxins and had seen true healing take place. My cancer diagnosis came when I was at my healthiest. Agreeing to do chemo went against EVERYTHING I knew to be true for me. But I prayed and prayed and felt it was the right thing to do. So I did. 

The last 2 years have been spent working hard to rebuild my health, detox my body, heal, and move forward. Finding out in September that the cancer had metastasized to my bones was devastating but I felt peace about it. I no longer had to worry or wonder if and when it would come back. Treatment started right away but it meant taking drugs that I was not okay with. Again. The side effects SUCK and the risks are dangerous. The alternative treaments I'd looked into before were revisited. Endless prayers and research led me back to a clinic in Tijuana. What drew me in was their focus on healing the whole body, not just slowing the cancer growth. That's all my oncologists can do, slow it and make me comfortable. But for how long? These drugs are notorious for working for a while and then stopping. This treatment center focuses on nontoxic treatments and correcting nutritional deficiencies, etc. These things are all in line with my personal philosophies on health and wellness. I realize that this avenue of care does not resonate with everyone. Yet I had no clue the response I'd get from a few loved ones bold enough to speak their concerns. I do appreciate the love and concern expressed. I do love you and am thankful for your concerns. I don't feel obligated to win you over to my way of thinking. I don't expect you to understand why I feel God is leading me that direction. I need your love and encouragement right now though. You can't possibly imagine what is going on in my brain and my heart right now as my own emotions and uncertainties circulate with your doubts and fears.

I met with my integrative oncologist yesterday. She was under the impression my other oncologist was monitoring me closely. She didn't know she'd basically washed her hands of me. She reassured me that won't happen again. She'll be seeing me regularly. We went over both my PET scan from September and the CT scan from my ER visit last weekend. The ER doctor that was dismayed to tell me the cancer had spread even more was partial wrong. The cancer in my ribs and humerus are NOT new. It was there 2 months ago but is now more pronounced. She said the pain should be minimal by now so she's sending me to a radiation oncologist. They're hoping to target the most painful areas, my pelvis and neck, to zap the cancer and relieve the pain. She also is checking my tumor markers again to see if they're still rising. If they are, we'll know that the current treatment is ineffective. We talked about clinical studies. The ones she feels are the best options for me are ones I don't (yet) qualify for. We discussed other treatment options. She will support whatever I decide to do. We discussed the clinic in Mexico. She's been there and to others like it. She does not feel that it's the best place for the type of cancer I have. For others, yes. Very effective. For me, not really. She said I have an aggressive cancer that needs to be met with aggressive treatment in a timely manner. I loathe the urgency to make a decision that needs more time to consider. So, I continue on. I take the drugs. I see the doc for radiation. I keep searching and praying. I don't know if God would have me go to the clinic in Mexico. I do know that every bone in my tired body is against the toxic meds I'm taking. My hair is thinning. My skin is peeling. My gut is in turmoil. My teeth and jaw ache. My neck and head hurt constantly. My pelvic pain has me gasping in pain. Is it any wonder I'm searching high and low for help? 

So, my loved ones, I'm sorry for the pandemonium I caused this week but I make no apologies for the choices I've made and the methods I use to come to those decisions. If you've made a financial contribution to my care that you regret, please let me know immediately so it can be returned. Every dime will go towards my healing and care but at this point I cannot say for certain what that will look like. My intention is to be a good steward of all that I'm given, whether it be time, my body, or funds. God knows my heart and it is Him that I must honor in all things. My hope is in Him alone. 

Pictured: That's my medical file. Pathology reports, labs, scans, notes, and so on. Everything my integrative oncologist has on me. Do you see that invoice next to it? Another $500 "Paid in Full" thanks to your generosity. THANK YOU❤