Here we go again

I've rewritten this in my head many times the last few weeks. There's really no better way to say it.
After spending this year struggling with one major pain or infection after another, I knew my body was fighting "something". I have trouble walking, standing, sitting, and sleeping due to the intensity of the pain. Every exam, every lab test, every scan has failed to show anything that explains my impaired immune system. That is, until I noticed a slight change in my labs atthe end of Aug. My tumor markers were steady for 2 years, between 11-13, with no change (and the following tumor cell tests continue to be zeros) and now they were 36. My doctor sent me in again to recheck those numbers. 62. She had me fasting for 7 days, water only, to starve and weaken those stubborn cells and reset my metabolism. 82. I asked for a PET scan, knowing my insurance denied coverage last time. This time they approved it. My scan lit up.
I knew I was at high risk for breast cancer recurrence. I was diagnosed with Stage IIB, grade 3 breast cancer May 2016. (The staging has to do with the size of my tumor and it spreading to my lymph nodes.) Grade 3 means the cells were larger and fast growing. Aggressive.
I now am Stage IV, metastatic breast cancer. The breast cancer cells woke up and spread to my bones. I had a bone biopsy taken from my back/hip yesterday. I started meds yesterday too. I'll be in some form of treatment for the rest of my life. (Remember not too long ago when my oncologist said NO CANCER? And those suspicious spots on my pelvis??)
And I am at peace with it all. I will fight this and do all I can to heal but God already knows my future and I rest in knowing his plans are good.
Your prayers are always appreciated.

I was thinking this morning about how we're heading into October, well known for its pink ribbon campaign for breast cancer awareness. I've never been more aware of it than now, have you?

I'm leaving in a few minutes to drive out to the Metolius River, about an hour north of Bend. I was invited to attend a breast cancer survivor fly fishing retreat and I'm looking forward to some quiet time by the river.

Please pray for my family. Once was hard enough. It hasn't even been 2 years since I finished treatment and here we go again. 

Premonition

I wanted to share something with you. I wrote this almost 3 years ago, just 3 months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, shortly after my son was diagnosed with a bunch of disorders that he'd been suffering from and turning our world on it's head. Just prior to that, Charlie left his "secure" corporate job after 13 years when his hard work and dedication was no longer appreciated and he was targeted for termination without cause. I worried the stress of it might kill him. He left on his own terms but that meant no income. This is literally the story of my life and that's only the last 4 years. While the blessings have been abundant, I'm more familiar with hardship and trials. By the grace of God, I'm still standing. When I can't stand, I kneel. When I can't do even that, I curl up under wings and find rest and comfort. 

Friends, another trial is on the horizon. Not to a downer, but this is always true to some extent or another. I can't say that I don't have moments of worry and fear, but then I look back on all that God has carried me through, provided for, and blessed me with, and I *know* that I will be okay. I *know* that his plans for me are good, even if they're not what I'd hoped for.
So many times I've turned to you asking for prayer. You never disappoint! Thank you for that. Today, how can I pray for you? (Feel free to pm me if you don't care to share below.) My prayer for you is that you find JOY in Jesus, that you find COMFORT in him, and PEACE. He is all of those things to me and then some. Press in, my friends, and know that he loves you dearly.

44

My 44 reasons to be thankful today: 
1. For my salvation in Christ, sealed and secured. 
2. For my beloved husband Charlie, for your loving and faithful heart, for your devotion to God and your family. 
3. For my son Ryan, for your compassion and kindness, for your helpfulness. 
4. For my son Nathan, for your determination, for working hard for me and with me. 
5. For my mom Linda, for your unconditional love, for your tender heart, for showing me how a mother loves. 
6. For my dad, for the few times a year you say "I love you" and for all the other ways you show it. 
7. For my stepmom Mary Jo, for your strength and encouragement, for your lessons in gratitude. 
8. For my sister Amber, for being my closest friend and confidant, for saying the hard things, and for reminding me of God's promises. 
9. For my brother, for reminding me of my roots and gentle spirit. 
10. For my inlaws, for welcoming me in and claiming me as their own. Angie,Michael, F and Barbara, Ray and Sheryl
11. For my aunts and uncles, for the unique and loving relationships I have with each of you. Alfonsina, John, Leonore, Tony, Verna, Tony, Grace, Chito,Bob
12. For my cousins, for sharing the memories, the present, and the future, regardless of the time apart. Becky, Robert, Christie, Jessica, Jeff, Andrea,Jeanine, Cathy, and so many more
13. For Kelly, for letting me say all the things I'm really thinking and loving me anyway. 
14. For Carrie, for the give and take of so many ups and downs, for loving me through it all. 
15. For Lucy, for making me laugh when I need it most, for letting me cry, for letting me vent. Ludmila
16. For Leslie, for mentoring me when I needed it most, for letting me be me, for trusting me. 
17. For Sarah, for making me laugh, for sharing this Boy Mom journey with me and teaching me to lighten up, for your heart of gold you try to hide but fool no one. 
18. For Rachel, for seeing what I didn't and lovingly steering me where I needed to be, for listening, for inviting my family into yours. 
19. For Kathryn, for heart to heart conversations we share over coffee, tears and laughter included, for letting me "in".
20. For Emmett, Justus, Terrel, and Isaac, for letting me love you, for sharing life's joys and sorrows, and for being my Bonus Boys, the extra sons of my heart. 
21. For Jenn, for being there, showing up, saying the hard stuff, for your laughter and support. 
22. For Jessica Pritchett, for your gentle words, fervent prayers, and showing me what good old fashioned and good natured competition looks like.
23. For my pastors, both past and present, for your faithful leadership and teachings, for prayers and support, for reminding me that this is not our home. Steve, Jim, Dale, Jim, Brian
24. For my studio and all who walk in those doors, for the friends that supported my vision and encouraged me to pursue my dream, against all odds, for sharing with others, for helping it grow. 
25. For my church family, far and wide, for being Christ's hands and feet, for your prayers and love, for your faithfulness. 
26. For my CARE group sisters, for helping me navigate the early days and celebrating the ups and crying with me on the downs. 
27. For my humble home, that we have been able to welcome in many friends and family over the years, that the cozy space was not an issue, that it has always been enough. 
28. For Lanessa, for encouraging me in my business, for showing me the ropes, for believing in me, for the friendship that developed. 
29. For technology, that it allows me to work just about anywhere and keep in touch with family and friends, near and far. 
30. For Sean & Jennifer, for opening your home to my family time and again, without hesitation, for your friendship and prayers over the years. 
31. For my health, both good and bad, for all I have learned along the way, for healing. 
32. For cancer, hard as it may be, for all the lessons it's taught me, for the shift in perspective I needed, and for opening my eyes to what truly matters. 
33. For Mandi, for walking through the hard stuff together, laughing and crying along the way. 
34. For my nieces, for all the girlie stuff you share that I don't get at home. 
35. For my nephews, for your wild spirits and for reminding me of the younger years that flew by with my boys. 
36. For sunny days by the ocean, digging my feet in the warm sand, and being reminded of how small I am in this world, yet God loves me. 
37. For the mountains and trees that reach for the heavens, that keep me grounded and inspire me to capture their beauty. 
38. For my medical care team, for their wisdom and education, for their guidance.
39. For fall, it's cooler days and gorgeous colors.
40. For days of rest, for allowing my body to heal and be whole, to restore my energy, fill my spirit. 
41. For books, for opening doors to other worlds, for educating me, for inspiring me. 
42. For Kris, for being a quick and constant friend from the moment I met you. 
43. For the pain in my body that reminds me I'm alive, for being constantly aware of every detail. 
44. For the completion of 44 years on this earth, for each days God has granted me to live life to the fullest, for his glory, for each one to come. 
Happy birthday to me. I love each and every one of you and listed these in no particular order, just as they came to me. I just wanted to share that there is always room for more gratitude, that JOY is a choice with choosing.

Praying the pain away

It's 2 am. Night owls, early birds, I need your prayers. I've been in excruciating pain for days now. I can barely walk. Please pray. We have no idea what's causing the pain.

Nope!

My oncologist just called:
I do NOT have to have a biopsy.
I do NOT have to have further scans for 1 year.
I do NOT have to go in every 3 months anymore. I'm officially graduated to 6 month visits and, best news of all, I do NOT have cancer!
Praise God, I'm crying tears of joy ❤ 
Thank you to all who have been praying alongside me, loving and supporting me ants my family.

As far as that spot on my pelvis, it could be an old injury, calcium deposit, or treated (dead) cancer. It was there prior to chemo so that's a possibility. I've had hip and back pain since my teens so they're thinking it could be advanced arthritis in my spine. That does show up on my scans but, like everything for the last 2 years, they consider cancer first before anything else.

Paint the Park Pink 2018

Tonight's Medford Rogues baseball game honored breast cancer patients and survivors (and their families). It was an honor to be asked to throw (one of) the first pitch(es).❤ I'm so sad Ryan missed it though due to being held late at work and some confusion at the gate with his ticket 😢 Good thing Charlie got video!
The game was great! We watched several foul balls fly out towards the parking lot. When they asked the owner of the blue Durango with our license plate number to come forward, I'll admit I wondered....But no! Lol😂 We won a free car wash for having the dirtiest car in the parking lot!
And then...
I paid $5 for 7 tickets in the 50/50 raffle. I gave Charlie and each of the boys 2 tickets and kept one for myself. Nathan won almost $200!! 😲
After the game, Charlie and I went down on the field and had the whole team sign my ball. What a fun night for my family! 😁

"Love You!"

"Love you!"
I can't count how many times you've said that to me.
I remember when we first met. Your youngest (pictured here) was just a baby but you also had 3 little ones that wanted you to get in the pool with them. I watched your baby so you could be that mom and play with them. It became our habit that summer.
I remember looking forward to homeschool meetings and outings, knowing you would be there with your amazing hugs and genuine smiles.
I remember you going through hard times, working nights at a gas station. I admired you for that, that you would do whatever it took to keep food on the table for your children. You were tired but never complained about it.
I remember when we toured the house next door, you were so excited at the possibility of us living so close was contagious. We didn't move in but we were much closer and that opened the doors to see you more often. I'd stop to buy eggs from you and my kids learned quickly that our "quick visits" were anything but that. We'd try to catch up in 10 minutes only to find an hour had passed by...again.
I remember your love and support through our own hard times, especially when my husband was unemployed. You gave him work I knew you couldn't afford but you did it anyway. You supplemented our boxes from the food pantry with veggies fresh from your garden. You would call me and tell me you needed freezer space and ask me to take pork and beef off your hands to make room. I knew you were just speaking to my pride and letting me avoid the embarrassment of yet another much need hand out. You knew because you'd been there yourself.
I remember the numerous times you hired me for miscellaneous seamstress jobs. Sometimes I thought you must walk around the house looking for things you could have me do so you could give me work. I loved you for that.
I remember the day you stepped out of your comfort zone to support my new business. You and your boy came to model Mommy and Me superhero aprons I'd been creating. You were so nervous but willing to put that aside for me when I struggled to find volunteers.
I remember when I started adding art classes to my growing business, you quickly signed up your girls. Watching them grow from adorable little girls to beautiful young ladies has been a joy. It has been an honor to teach them and have them in class each week. It also meant I got to see you regularly again.
I remember the surprise visit from you just a couple weeks ago. You need a bathroom and were in my neighborhood. You knew I would understand so you knocked on my door. That was the last time I'd see you.
I have so many memories with you, sweet Tammy. You have truly been a dear friend to me and I'm thankful for each one. You did not deserve the ending you got, my friend, but knowing you are now with our precious Lord brings me comfort.
Love you, sister! See you heavenside❤
________________________________________

My dear friend and sister in Christ was murdered by her husband this weekend. She had separated him last fall but the abuse continued despite a restraining order. Her 4 children are left without parents. Please pray for them as they navigate through this time. If you are able, please consider contributing to their care. A GoFundMe account has been set up for them here: http://bit.ly/Hicks4

My friends that knew her, I'd love to hear your memories too.